Avoiding Cliches Like the Plague.

Richard Collin's Greatest Hits

2011-11-15T17:54:00.000-08:00

Legendary New Orleans restaurant reviewer Richard Collin, who died back in January, 2010, is justly known in some quarters as the "Paul Finebaum of Restaurant Critics". His masterpiece is the 1973 revised edition of his reviews of many of the Crescent City's finest (and not so finest) dining establishments. The book, "The New Orleans Underground Gourmet" has since become a classic. Here are a few of the more memorable negative reviews.

1. Bourbon-Orleans Ramada: Maurice's, 717 Orleans St.
The beef stroganoff tastes as if it came out of a can; the menu is pretentious and expensive and the kitchen inept.

2. Napoleon Restaurant, 1519 Veterans Blvd., Metairie
What a melange! The menu is pseudo-French with parenthetical notes after specialties saying "Try me." The enormous sign outside the restaurant would be
more suitable to a drive-in movie. At first the food was promising here, but
the kitchen is inconsistent and the management lacks taste. On a recent visit
a special treat was the addition of canned fruit cocktail served in the
wineglass with the St.-Emilion ordered for dinner. More fruit cocktail later
turned up on a main-dish plate of gray tough veal. Astonishing!

3. Sheraton-Charles Hotel Dining Room, 211 St. Charles Ave.
The Sheraton does not pretend that its dining room is anything but a
convenience place for hotel guests. Be happy you don't have to taste the
dish that came in second to the "prizewinning" chicken with the mystery goop.

4. Raoul's Restaurant, 4801 Veterans Blvd., Metairie
Raoul's serves consistently terrible food which ranges from stale to inedible
and at times, in an occasional flash of brilliance, mediocre.

5. Augie's Italian Kitchen and Rabito's Poor Boy Restaurant and Bar,
612 St. Charles Ave.
The poor eat poorly. This terrible restaurant in the skid row area serves
the worst red beans and sausage in town daily.

6. Paul Gross Chicken Coop, 1838 Bienville St.
The food here isn't that bad (it's not particularly good either), but it is
impossible to eat anything in what must be the most foul smelling restaurant
in the city.

7. Steer Inn, 6101 Elysian Fields Ave.
The barbecue served here is a figment of the sign painter's imagination and
the milk shakes are almost as bad.

8. Chan's Restaurant, 907 Decatur St. The food is just about inedible and the surroundings are bleak.

9. Mancuso's, 546 Camp St. The signs here ask the far-from-distinguished clientele not to bring lunch from home and to be kind to the waitresses.

10. Star Restaurant, 409 Baronne St.
Four daily 95-cent lunch specials, all flavorless. Floury beef stew and
watery coffee are part of the repertoire.

11. Varieties Stag Bar and Sandwich Shop, 139 Carondolet St.
It is a brave person who embarks through the sandwich entrance leading to the
back of the adjoining bar. The trip is not worth the trouble. The sandwiches
are dispensed from a stand on paper plates with an ice cream scoop of salad.

12. Ben's Pizza, 1443 Commercial Dr., Arabi
Ben is the king of prefab pizza, turning out more of the horrible little things
than anyone else in town with a whole bank of minature heating ovens. Is it
better to eat these pizzas quickly before they become unglued or to let them
cool, put them aside, and pick up a hamburger on the way home?

13. Pete's Spaghetti House, 900 Jefferson Hwy., Jefferson Parish
A strong contender for the worst-food-in-New Orleans award. Steak in a garlic
butter sauce (raw chopped garlic and butter) and spaghetti imprisoned under a heavy red sauce are equally atrocious.

14. Richard's Restaurant, 3944 Chef Menteur Hwy. All of the food has as much character as the watery Northern coffee this
24-hour restaurant advertises so proudly.

15. Carlos Restaurant, 2600 4th St., Harvey
Slices of packaged white bread, margarine, cans of condensed milk on the
table, and a luncheon special that is sold out by 1 P.M. are examples of why
not every restaurant in New Orleans that looks bad is good.

And the piece de resistance:

16. Chateau Le Moyne: The Charles, 303 Dauphine St. Some of the food was promising, but too much was indifferent, and the
restaurant's Keystone Kops waiters, the amateurism in the kitchen, and the
service reached a peak recently when the waiter set himself and the apple pie
flambe (!) on fire.

They sure don't review 'em like that anymore.

Random Comments on the News

2011-08-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

1. It was reported that songwriter Jerry Leiber died on Monday, August 22. Leiber, one-half of the famous pop songwriting duo of "Leiber & (Mike) Stoller", was the composer of "Hound Dog", "Under the Boardwalk", "Stand by Me" and many, many other popular songs from the 50's all the way to the '80s. The funeral is scheduled for Friday, Aug. 26 and the service will be exactly three minutes long.

2. The old economics rule that bad money drives out good money is known as "Gresham's Law". The corresponding rule in literature that bad fiction drives out good fiction is known as "Grisham's Law." Just kidding of course! I just read "The Testament" and it was every bit as good as everyone said it was.

3. Speaking of the downfall of Qaddafi, I remember the late great Lewis Grizzard making fun of the Libyan dictator's name, "Moammar", on one of his tapes. Grizzard said that the name was Arabic for "sand in my underdrawers." Grizzard also maligned the perceived need (then, in 1986) for enlistment of NATO support for our attack on Qaddafi's compound by stating that "nobody cared what France thought and as for Spain, well Spain may have been tough back in the 1500's but nowadays, Spain couldn't even beat Vanderbilt!"

Ed. note: the definitive guide to U.S./Middle Eastern foreign policy is Lewis Grizzard's "Rules of Engagement", published in the early 1990's.

4. CAN (formerly CNN Headline News) is now officially known as the "Casey Anthony Network". It will not be included in the basic tier of Comcast cable as of October 1.

5. I remember Louis L'Amour saying in his autobiography, "Education of a Wandering Man", that Ernest Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises" was overrated (in his opinion) and basically about (paraphrasing) "a lot of people doing nothing and going nowhere." I read about half of "The Sun Also Rises" several years ago and never finished it. I'd have to concur with L'Amour on this one, although many of Hemingway's other works are very good.

6. Speaking of Hemingway, I wonder what he would have thought about his beautiful granddaughter being mixed up with a B grade film such as this:

Margaux Hemingway is also pictured at the head of this posting, of course. Both grandfather and granddaughter committed suicide tragically. The British historian Paul Johnson has a fascinating portrait of Ernest H. in his "Intellectuals" where he labels the chapter on Hemingway as "The Deep Waters of Ernest Hemingway" and comments at the end that "art is not enough."

7. Although many people are criticizing Pres. Obama for taking a vacation on Martha's Vineyard right now, I don't begrudge him for this even though I certainly disagree with all of his policies. Many former presidents needed a well-deserved rest. Remember Nixon fishing off of the Florida Keys with his good friend Bebe Redozo, Truman driving cross-country and getting into fistfights along the way, Taft's three day benders at O'Rourke's Saloon in south D.C., and Garfield's frequent trips to Six Flags over Cuyahoga.

8. Speaking of the poor state of the economy, the 2011 edition of "Best Jobs, Worst Jobs" is out and once again, the best job is still "Executive Wine and Food Tester" for Gourmet magazine. The worst job (also once again) is "Barehanded Cesspool Dredger". I think I'll take my chances at the local job fair.

9. The screenplay taken from Jackson, Miss. native Kathryn Stockett's bestselling book "The Help" has scored very well at the box office and is being deemed already as the "feel-good movie of the year." Yeah right....feel-good....that is, if you're not a Native American. You see, Native Americans such as Choctaws, Cherokees, Navajo, were left out in the cold in this movie, and that's why they are not 'feeling good'......

10. Speaking of "The Help", Kathryn Stockett and John Grisham are planning to team up to write a new blockbuster novel about a woman coming of age in Mississippi in the1960's at a quaint little law firm in Jackson who has to battle racism and a nasty defense firm from Memphis. It is tentatively called "The The." The 1980's new wave UK group The The will also do the soundtrack.

Th..tha...the..the....that's all folks!

My Name Is Vivan Miholo and I Covet Your Vote!

2011-06-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

This has got to be one of the sorriest political ads I've ever seen:

My name is Vivan Miholo and I covet your vote in the upcoming 2011 Primary. I am a Washington "outsider" and have no ulterior motive for securement of political power, etc.. I feel that the only way back to the greatness of this country is to move forward! Here are my principals (sic):

1. The Constitution must be protected at all costs. I carry a copy in my pocket.
2. Free Trade is chimera. Keep U.S. jobs in U.S.!
3. I will not make my opponents age or inexperience an issue in this campaign.
4. The Federal Reserve is obsolete and in need of serious overhauling measures.
5. There should be a Purge of certain parties and interests.
6.

Publishers' note: Mr. Miholo paid for this ad and it has been reproduced in toto and accordance with prevailing law. This newspaper does not and will not endorse any candidate for public office.

Godchaux Sugar Magnolia

2011-01-31T17:50:00.000-08:00

Here are a few more 'random ramblings' aka Thomas Sowell in no particular order and possessing no particular raison d'etre:

1. In C.S. Lewis' "That Hideous Strength", the 3rd volume of his Space Trilogy, he features a character named 'Mr. Wither', one of the leaders of the 'bad guys' (the National Institute of Co-ordinated Experiments). The elderly Wither is portrayed as both quaintly eccentric and menacing. Whilst reading this work, it suddenly hit me that Matt Groening, the creator of the television show, "The Simpsons" may have borrowed the character of "Mr. Withers", Homer's boss, from this same character...............

Scratch that. Homer's boss is actually "Mr. Burns". Lo siento! I did not mean to cause any confusion. Although the cartoon character "Mr. Burns" did come into my mind when I pictured Lewis' Mr. Wither, and it makes sense if you think about it.

2. In the above ramble, I could have easily erased the first part and 'saved face' and no one would have been the wiser, but I am an honest man and believe in giving an honest day's work for an honest day's pay.

3. In Willie Morris' great autobiographical account of growing up in Yazoo City, Mississippi, "North Towards Home", he recounts the time he asked Millard Fillmore, one of the poor country boys from Graball Hill, whether he got any toys for Christmas. According to Morris, Fillmore simply answered: "Nuthin, I didn't get nuthin. I ain't studying no toys for Christmas.'

Morris pulls no punches in describing the poverty and tough life of these particular boys who 'fought long and hard amongst themselves' and played rough tackle football at recess, but who quickly tired after running for long distances since they likely suffered from hookworm and malnutrition.

4. The best and brightest chapter in "North Towards Home" in my opinion, is the one where he recounts his trips to his grandparents' house in Jackson (across from the modern day Jitney Jungle right off of Fortification Street). Morris and his grandfather, 'Percy', would go to the old minor league baseball park and watch the Jackson Senators play. After the game and upon their return to the house, Morris' grandmother would fix them a late night meal of cold shrimp, milk, and greasy and salty potato chips. Percy worked at the old Golden Flake factory, hence the potato chips.

5. Speaking of memories, one of my earliest memories involves seeing the old Godchaux Sugar commercials on television (late '60s and early '70s) with the cartoon train and locomotive huffing down a mountainous and curvy railroad track and the jingle which accompanied it: ("It's the best sugar on the sugar town line. Godchaux Sugar Town line!) I've not seen that commercial in years and can't find it on You Tube. Sometimes I wonder if I dreamed it.

6. Speaking of Louisiana, one of my favorite things to grill or simply to fry in oil on the stove is good old 'boudin' sausage. Boudin is pork sausage mixed with rice and spices in the casing. I put a little bit of Tabasco, Tony Chacherie seasoning, salt and pepper in the oil itself. Then after it is cooked good and brown, I put some of that Tabasco on de sausage there. It is sho nuff good and makes a meal all by itself, chere. I guarantee dat.

7. I realize that I lapsed into faux Cajun towards the end of the last post, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't help myself when talking about something like Boudin. There is a website called "boudinlink.com" which is highly recommended. Look at all the boudin and south Louisiana specialty meats and other things which they have on there. It'll make you mouth water and jump for joy chere, I guarantee....sorry....I did it again. Mea culpa.

8. On a throroughly non-South Louisiana note, I remember as a lad watching the Billy Graham Crusade on TV and then watching an adorable young Scandinavian lady named Evie Tornquist sing:

As seemingly sappy and 'folksy' as some of this 70's style gospel music may have been, it had melody, tune, was well written, and sure beats most of the modern style 'contemporary' stuff sung by groups named Thrashfoot, FloodGate and Keep itRealExtremeZone, none of which contains any variety nor is allowed to use over 2 chords.

Ah, dimpled Evie with thine earrings and scarf, thou shouldst be singing at this hour, the PowerPointPraiseTeam with their headsets and tattoos hath need of thee!

9. Now I didn't mean to lapse into sarcasm on the last post, but it does seem that most of all 'modern music' written since 2000, say, whether pop, rock, dance, country, ChristianContemporary, etc..all sounds like it comes forth from the same faucet and spigot. No more than 2 chords per song. No minor chords allowed, ever.

10. To end on a positive note, and also speaking of 'old school' matters, I think that the upcoming Super Bowl is an 'old school' classic: Pittsburgh Steelers v. Green Bay Packers. The team of the '60s vs. the team of the '70s. Meat and cheese packing plants vs. Steel mills. Lombardi vs. Rooney. Smash mouth vs.... Well, I guess I'd better quit whilst I'm slightly ahead. Over and out.

Knowledge is Power

2010-12-08T16:36:00.000-08:00

Here is another test involving general knowledge, literature, conceits, deceits, surfeits, surplusage, &c....Once again, A is A, B is B, and....you can guess the rest. The difference here is that four Questions (A-D) will follow each statement and styled and worded in throroughly Modern Jargon. Therefore, if you are a member of 'Generation Y' and graduated from high school after 2000, you will probably do very well at this, indeed. (Postscript: Why is Olympic swimmer Natalie Coughlin pictured above? I have no idea!)
Well anyway, let's get started: (No texting, please!)

1. In GK Chesterton's "Everlasting Man", he adumbrates that 'cave-men' may or may have not actually lived in caves simply because of the drawings of animals, etc. found therein, and by implication, adumbrates that much evolutionary theory and 'anthropology' (this was in the early 20th century, but his adumbrations ring true today obviously) is based upon mere conjecture, unwarranted conclusions and simply false presuppositions which are themselves a product of a rationalistic, materialistic 'closed-system' universe.

Question A: How do you feel about this?
Question B: Does this make you mad? Happy? Glad? Sad?
Question C: Have you ever adumbrated anything? If so, when? Where? With who?
Question D: How did it make you feel to adumbrate?

2. In George Bernard Shaw's "Man and Superman", the character of the devil is quoted as describing John Milton's "Paradise Lost" as "a very long poem which no one has ever read all the way through."

Question A: How do you feel about this?
Question B: Do you like it?
Question C: Have you ever read anything all the way through?
Question D: Does this "float your boat?"

3. In "The Oak and the Calf", the late great Alexander Solzheinitsyn movingly describes his literary career of documenting both in fiction and non-fiction, the totalitarian horror of the early and mid 20th century Soviet Union:

If I had given in to common sense, once, twice, ten times, my achievement as a
writer would have been incomparably smaller. But I had gone on writing-as a
bricklayer, in overcrowded prison huts, in transit jails without so much as a
pencil, when I was dying of cancer, in an exile's hovel after a double teaching
shift. I had let nothing-dangers, hindrances, the need for rest- interrupt
my writing, and only because of that could I say at fifty-five that I how had
no more than twenty years of work to get though, and had put the rest behind
me. My petty interferences-people, children, housework, public demands
(but most of all, my own native undisciplined self)-bump against such
reality. I continue to pound my balled fist against my own soft soul and to
insist, No Excuses! No Excuses!

Question A: How does this make you feel?
Question B: Does this passage "rock your world?"
Question C: Does it make you feel "plugged in?"
Question D: Have you also "been there and done that?"

4. Speaking of Solzhenitysn, one Russian critic stated that his works were "more
dangerous" to the Soviet regime than "those of Pasternak (Boris)", since "Pasternak
was a man divorced from life, while Solzhenitsyn, with his animated, militant,ideological temperament, is a man of principle."

Question A: What's up with this?
Question B: Does this have any relevance to you?
Question C: Does this "turn you on?"
Question D: Have you ever heard of either man?

5. C.S. Lewis was very fond of Edmund Spenser's "The Fairy Queen" (written in the 16th century in England), and he once made the quaint observation that the best introduction one could have to such a work would be to have read it as a teenager between the ages of 12 and 16 in an old heavy illustrated folio edition, and on a
rainy day.

Question A: Does this make any sense to you?
Question B: Is this 'all good'?
Question C: Have you ever heard of Edmund Spenser?
Question D: Have you ever heard of C.S. Lewis?

6. The great philosopher Baruch Spinoza is known for making the observation that all principles of.......

ATTENTION: JULIAN ASSANGE OF WIKILEAKS, INC. HAS APPARENTLY STOLEN THE REST OF THIS TEST INFORMATION, SO THE TEST WILL THEREFORE END AT THIS TIME. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION IN THIS MATTER.

`"It is by the art of studying little things that we attain as much comfort and alleviate as much misery as possible." - Dr. Samuel Johnson

Favorite Literary Scenes: Vote Early and Vote Often!

2010-07-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

And now for a quick little change-of-pace, here's a few questions in which the humble reader of this blog can vote for his (or her) favorite 'literary occasion' as regarding a multiplicity of scenes, quotes, scenarios, etc. and involving multiple authors, dead and/or alive....etc... Simply choose A, B, C or D. (Like the infamous 'Francis Schaeffer' Test-see blog archives). There are no "right" or "wrong" answers, only stupid and inane ones.

1. Which is your favorite food scene in a John Grisham novel?

A. The scene from "Playing for Pizza" where Rex Dockery is wined and dined by his new Italian teammate football players, and partakes of veal parmiagiano, antipasto with fresh anchovies, olives and prosciutto, along with fine Po Valley red wine.

B. The scene from "The Partner" where old Clovis Goodman is taken by Patrick Lanigan to the catfish house and eats one piece of greasy fried catfish after another with his nose just inches over the plate. He never looks up for the check and also is taken to empty out his bladder several times afterwards.

C. The scene from "A Painted House" where big nasty Hank Spruill, while gobbling prodigious quantities of food, has his cheeks stuffed with cornbread, and ignores everybody else while the protagonist's family is introduced to the Spruill family.

D. The scene from "The Summons" where Harry Rex Vonner, the fat small town attorney eats his breakfast of fried eggs, sausage, grits, hash browns, coffee, bacon and cigarettes. (Trick question: this occurs more than once.)

2. Which is your favorite recreational activity as described in C.S. Lewis' immortal "The Screwtape Letters"?

A. Bawdy and blasphemy over coffee with urbane friends.

B. Enjoying cocoa and county cricket.

C. Entering into the state called "Anger" (or the state called "Lust"-pick either!)

D. Trickling into the wrong bed in automatic response to sexy advertisements because you have nothing else to do. (Trick question: This one is from "Screwtape Proposes a Toast")

3. What is your favorite disgusting world record (from the "Guinness Book of World Records")?

A. That Indian guy who never cut his fingernails and as a consequence, let them grow to about 2 feet long.

B. That other Indian guy who never trimmed his mustache and as a consequence, let it grow out to about 20 feet long (the picture in the 1976 edition shows 2 other people holding the tips of it.)

C. The Iowa farmer, Charles Osborne, who contracted hiccups while slaughtering a hog, and had them for about 50 years.

D. The Greek dude who reportedly stole the recipe for fire from the gods and as a consequence, was tied to the top of a mountain where giant birds ate out his liver on a quotidian basis.

4. What is your favorite Harry Golden "Only in America" nostalgia story?

A. The description of the old Automat on the corner of East 14th Street and Fourth Avenue in New York where you could buy pork and beans and discuss socialism with the "freethinkers" all of which sure beat going to synagogue. Where are they today? They should all live so long!

B. The description of the old generation immigrant Jewish mothers who gave their daughters-in-law a giant jar of 'schmaltz' (chicken fat) on a weekly basis and encouraged them to use it!

C. The description of the tragic Triangle shirtwaist fire in 1911 which killed 146 immigrant worker girls, and the resulting trial in which the great Max Steuer, defense attorney who should have an eidetic (photographic) memory, expertly deflated one of the girls' testimony by showing that she had memorized her spiel and had left out two words in her 3rd recitation of it (and this on cross-examination of all things!), thereby ensuring an acquittal for Triangle, however nonetheless, many changes ensued which made working conditions much better for all concerned.

D. The description of reducing America's "Age of Anxiety" by substitution for the normal businessman's lunch of a hot dog, cola and BC headache powder, that of "a nice cold gefilte fish with a strong horseradish, followed maybe by a huge bowl of golden chicken soup with matzoh balls made of eggs, and light as a feather." We should all be so fortunate!

5. What is your favorite "Harry Potter" scene?

A. The scene from the first book at Hogwarts school where Harry finishes his first bowl of soup and dares to ask Mr. Dumbledore for some more. Mr. Dumbledore then bellows back at poor Harry: "More?" "More?" "You dare ask for more?"

B. The scene from the second book where Harry's pal Tweedleglum asks him why he hates the South, and Harry cries out: "I don't hate the South! I don't! I don't! I don't! I don't!"

C. The scene from the third book where Harry's good-natured friend, Chet drives up to Hogwarts in his old 'jalopy' and and orders a "malted milk, shaken...not stirred."

(Ed. personal note: Have you ever confused the Hardy Boys and the Young James Bond books? I certainly have!)

D. The scene from the final book where Harry wakes up in his bed with Suzanne Pleshette.

6. What is your favorite William F. Buckley, Jr. quotation from the "Letters to the Editor" column in National Review?

A. The one where he says: "I am hardly self-existing, but it does seem that I am a bit ubiquitous, at least to my liberal critics! Cordially, WFB."

B. The one where he says: "Even if a more perspicuous critic than Jorge Luis Borges were to deflate such an accusation, a more peremptory dismissal could not be conceived by the most rigid Thomist or recondite litterauer! Cordially, WFB."

C. The one where he says: "Perhaps you should consider the purchase of an outrigged skiff complete with mainsail, and enjoy the companionship of a 1932 Grinot Cherbourg....I always find this to constitute the fabulis tedramus non poeces to an otherwise adroit sur la ouevre! Cordially, WFB.

D. The one where he says: "And that's how I made my first million!" (Trick answer: This is actually Percy Ross.)

7. What is your favorite Shirley Maclaine past life account?

A. The one from "Dancing With Myself" where she remembers being Mata Hari.

B. The one from "Dancing as Fast As You Can" where she remembers being Cleopatra.

C. The one from "Dancing in the Light" where she remembers being Thucydides.

D. The one from "Dancing Till I Drop" where she remembers being Gig Young.

8. What is your favorite fictional scene from the New York Times?

A. The story of little Jimmy and his heroin addiction written by Janet Cooke.

B. The indepth reporting of Lee Malvo and John Muhammed, the DC snipers by Jayson Blair.

C. The wonderful accounts of life in the Soviet Union under Uncle Joe Stalin by the great Walter Duranty in the 1930's.

D. All of the other articles.

9. What is your favorite "Bringing Up Father" comic strip?

A. The one where Jiggs sneaks out of the house and goes to Dinty Moores to eat corned beef and cabbage.

B. The one where Jiggs sneaks back into the house at night and gets clocked on the head by Maggie's rolling pin.

C. The one where Jiggs sticks his fingers in his ears in an attempt to block out the sound of Maggie's caterwauling on their grand piano.

D. The one where Maggie holds the football for Jiggs to kick it, and right before he can kick it, she pulls it away and he lands flat on his back.

10. What is your favorite motivational book written by a famous coach?

A. Vince Lombardi's "Winning Isn't Everything-It's the Only Thing!"

B. Nick Saban's "How Good Do You Want To Be? A Champion's Tips On How to Lead and Succeed in Work and Life."

C. Pete Carroll's "Win Forever: Live, Work and Play Like a Champion."

D. Knute Rockne's "How to Win Every Time With the Flying Wedge."

That's all! Cast your votes like they did in the olden days complete with free lemonade and fistfights at the polls.

Random Ramblings Reprise

2010-06-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

1. I remember watching the great comic actor Arte Johnson (Laugh-In, etc.) narrate and play all of the main characters in a television production of the book of Esther in the Old Testament. I believe I saw this early on a Sunday morning way back in the mid 1970's. I wonder if anyone remembers this. Johnson played Mordecai, Haman, King Xerxes, and even donned a wig to play Esther herself. One-man shows in which different characters are portrayed by one actor used to be all the rage. Recently I saw Valerie Harper play Golda Meir, both of her parents, her boyfriend (later husband) as well as Ben Gurion in a one man (or rather,'one-woman') show on the Jewish Television network.

This takes some kind of talent.

2. The legendary Will Rogers is known for making the statement that he had "never met a stranger." Of course, this is due to the fact that he suffered from severe agoraphobia which resulted in his never being able to leave his house during his entire adult life.

3. The author Robert Fulghum is famous for his book, "Everything I Need to Know, I Learned In Kindergarten." That was easy for him to say, since Mr. Fulghum, it is widely known now, attended an extremely advanced kindergarten in upstate New York where he learned history, government, science, math, law, accounting, visual art and even typing.

4. I don't believe in Nietzsche's doctrine of eternal recurrence where everything that has ever happened has supposedly happened once before and will happen again, ad infinitum. That is, I don't believe it now. I'll probably believe in it next time.

5. The great James Lileks posted an old cartoon on his site in which a Depression-era hobo knocked at a lady's door, asking if he could do any work for her. The lady rudely said that "there wasn't nothing" he could do for her (sic). Undeterred, the hobo, who was quick on his feet, remarked that there was indeed something he could do for the lady. The very polite hobo kindly told the lady, "Oh yes, there is something I can do for you. I can correct your grammar." This was very true, and at the moment the hobo said this comment, there seem to be a multitude of hobos, vagrants, idlers, and 'hangers-on' all gathered to the far horizon as far as the eye can see, who give a hearty 'hurrah' at this well-placed barb.

Old cartoons ain't what they used to be.

6. Speaking of old cartoons, I once saw an issue of "Bunky" who is basically a baby who comments upon the action from his position in a corner of the strip, much like one of the political cartoons of Pat Oliphant. But the main character revolves around an obscenely wealthy idler named 'Gilhooley' who has a beloved dog named 'John Thomas.' In one strip, Gilhooley decides to invite everyone and anyone named 'John Thomas' to his mansion where he will throw a party in his dog's honor. About 40 or 50 people show up and hear Gilhooley belt out "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" while the real John Thomas snores in a corner. The people enjoy this show while ransacking through his mansion, going in his refrigerator, and pulling the butler's cap down on his eyes. 'Bunky' makes the wry observation from his corner caption that Gilhooley is 'tetched in the haid.' "Bunky" usually ran in the 1930's on the Sunday page above "Barney Google."

7. The phrase "every dog has his day" comes from the old tort law concerning dog bites. At the common law, when a dog bit someone, and the owner was sued, the plaintiff could usually not recover if it was proven to be the dog's 'first bite.' The original phrase was thusly: "Every dog deserves one free bite." This phrase gradually evolved into the phrase "every dog has his day."

8. Speaking of catchphrases, the oft used "wow-oh" is directly traceable to the trend as begun in 2002 of everyone dropping their vowels at the least opportunity. The great Icelandic pop singer and performance artist, Bjork (as pictured) was an expert at this type of lingo.

9. You know you grew up in a squalid, tiny tenement slum if you always admired the expansive and spacious manner in which sardines were arranged in their can.

10. Speaking of growing up the hard way, I've got to go to bed since it's late and the work truck comes by my house at 6 o'clock sharp. I missed it this morning and had to spend the day scrubbing the highway with a toothbrush.

Random Ramblings-The Bootleg Sessions

2010-06-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

1. Burger Chef, thou shouldst be living at this hour...Fast-food America has need of thee! She is a fen.

The original Burger Chef commercials of the early to mid 1960's featured an urbane pre-Paper Chase John Houseman who stood stiffly in front of the camera on the verrazano of the headquarters office and intoned in a persuasive manner : "There are quite a number of sound reasons to eat at Burger Chef and very simply, no reason at all not to do so!" Believe me, after that, you got in your 1964 Impala and took the wife and children to the Burger Chef......posthaste!

In 1968, Burger Chef discontinued this commercial because the "times were a changing, etc...so they fired Houseman and brought in Arlo Guthrie and eventually by 1971, the Burger Chef and Jeff cartoon characters.

Burger Chef filed for Chapter 7 in 1982, but what a ride it was! Aquamarine and orange. The Big Cheese and the Captain's Meal.....Burger Chef, we won't forget you.

2. I once heard a speech by a man named Henny Youngman at a gathering once. It was truly disturbing. He started his speech by holding his wife as an example for some illustration he was trying to make, and then he respectfully offered her physically to the audience. He then said that he took his wife many different places, presumably to get rid of her, but she always returned to their house. Mr. Youngman also told of a friend of his who was given a terminal diagnosis of 6 months concerning some terrible illness by his doctor, and if this wasn't enough, he told his physician that he was financially strapped and could not compensate him. Mr. Youngman relates that his friend's doctor then 'adjusted' his diagnosis of terminality to a full year.

3. It is a truth universally acknowledged that the greatest of all Jane Austen novels is "Mansfield Park" and the greatest film adaptation of said novel is the recent PBS production with the irrepressible Billie Piper as Fanny Price (as shown). When watching Piper play Fanny Price, the viewer feels as if he or she is watching Fanny Price actually come to life. In this vein of "uncanny resemblances", the only performances comparable to this one in the world of film adaptations is John Goodman's legendary role of the equally legendary Babe Ruth in "The Babe" (1992) and Muhammad Ali's playing of himself in "When We Were Kings" (1996).

4. In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell invented the first telephone. Things really didn't get rolling until 3 years later when the 2nd one was invented.

5. Speaking of inventions, sliced bread was invented in 1450 and the concept of a "time-frame" was invented in 1918. Before 1450, every entity or idea stood alone with no "frame of reference." (By the way, "frames of reference" were invented by Dr. Thomas Howell in 1750.)

6. The Rash Linebaugh show (for poorer markets which can't afford Rush Limbaugh) runs daily from 1-3 on AM radio in those areas, and is a very poor substitute. Mr. Linebaugh's "show" consists of veiled threats and canned slogans shouted without restraint. I don't care for the show and would rather listen to music instead.

7. President Obama speaks to the American people every single day at noon on whatever topic happens to be the 'subject of the day.' This is too much exposure and indicative of too much government in our everyday life. My idea of the perfect president would hearken back to the Gilded Age of the post-Civil War 19th century when presidents were rarely seen and even more rarely, heard. The "Absentee Landlord" model of the presidency is the best, in my opinion.

8. Most states allow for 'holographic wills' and a few allow '3-D wills'. Outright holograms are frowned upon although allowed in 10 or more states. I've read that 2 states (California and Idaho, I believe) now incorporate Pixar animation for last wills and testaments.

9. Anagrams Now Are Good Reading And Make Sense.

10. The Socratic method as used by law professors should include real hemlock.

Nostradamus Predictions

2010-06-07T16:54:00.000-07:00

Here are a few very timely Nostradamus predictions (from "All Things Nostradamus", LSU Press, 1997). Judge for yerself whether the old Frenchman hits it out of the park or whiffs it big-time. Remember, these were all made in the 16th century!

1. Concerning the BP Oil Spill:

And in the 'Greate Gulf'
There came an force and blast
Spilling ye carbons into the sea
Ruinin' de shrimp and killin' BP.

(This one is a little atypical of Casa Nostra, since he usually never
rhymed any of them.)

2. Concerning the Helen Thomas Debacle:

And on the white lawn
The ancient hag speakes
Regarding Zion and Canaan's lands, she
Hath stayeth way, way, way overlong.

(Nostradamus speaks for us all; Ms. Thomas shoulda been retired many moons ago.)

3. Concerning the Joran Van Der S***t Situation:

Vain and rotten spoiled
The bad prince slayeth two more fair,
But ending in the Inca house (!)
By hanging, decapitation and the giante corkscrew.

(Well, Nostradamus came from an age where the death penalty still applied pretty much everywhere. We can only hope as much.)

4. Concerning the Recent Perfect Game Spoiled By A Bad Call, But.....

Twenty-sixe rise and twenty-sixe fall
The final one is made safe at starting bease (sic)
With no regard, but the judge weeps, and the aggrieved
Is madeth whole, all's well that enswell.

(Twist of irony: Nostradamus actually coined the word 'enswell' in a
quatrain foreshadowing boxing and more accurately, the third Ali- Frazier "Thriller in Manila" bout in 1975)

5. Concerning the Rise of Sarah Palin:

And from the frozen North land
Comes a maiden fair and noble in deed
Both loved and hated in part
A gadfly to the fair but vile Behar.

(Nostradamus, if he were alive today, besides being well over 400 years old, would probably be non-plussed by Mrs. Behar's obsessive animus towards the Alaska governor)

6. Concerning the Fascinating Rise of the Twitter Phenomenon:

Arises then a world message place
Which standeth for all thoughts
From the minds of ones who state:
"I possesseth a boil here on my arse; prithee thine reaction?"

(Nostradamus came from an age when paper and parchments were costly
and the printed word was not cheap-hence the sarcasm.)

7. Concerning the Superiority in Pulchitrude of the Pre-1970's Actresses to the
Post-1970's Actresses:

In the Berry ('Holly'?-ed.)Wood early time,
Damsels fair and fleshly reign
But giving way to thin gaunt and almost,
Manly sorts to much disdain.

(Of course Nostradamus could not have foreseen the many exceptions to the overall
rule, but it still applies (see Kim Novak (pictured) also Tuesday Weld-last post-irony of ironies!)

8. Concerning the Superiority of the 1980's Celtics-Lakers Rivalries to the Current One:

In the time of Ronalde Gipp (Reagan?-ed)
The Great Bird and Magick strode
On hard floors of woods and pine
Not to be equalled henceforth.

(Nostradamus has another quatrain in which he foresees the abortive comeback of
Michael Jordan, post 1998)

9. Concerning the Nature of "Hannity's America":

So the loquacious Hibernian spoke
And spoke and spoke and spoke
On topics much agreed well, but
To talketh himself into the grounde and mill.

(Well, I sort of agree with old Nostradamus on this one. Sean Hannity makes a lot of sense and I personally agree with most of his conservative positions, but he loses his audience when he runs an issue 'into the grounde and mill' as it were.)

10. Concerning the Rise of the 'Nostradamus Industry':

Things foreseen and things to come
Can apply to any thing or nothing at all,
And old Barnum of P.T.'s fame has said:
'A sucker every sixty seconde is born."

(And with that, I shall be as old Meyer Wolfsheim in 'The Great Gatsby' and say that I will leave the young men to discuss their sports and young women, but as for me, I belong to a different generation, therefore, I bid you all Adieu!)

Random Ramblings

2010-03-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

1. Most drivers, when delayed in serious traffic or stranded in a snowstorm, have a series of 'back up' plans to get them through the crisis, i.e. a book on tape (or DVD) by the latest novelist or self-help guru. I have read that some drivers work (or play) on the internet on their IPhones or even play solitaire to pass the time.

I'm a bit different in the sense that whenever I am stranded anywhere, run out of gas, or even am delayed by a mild traffic jam, I simply abandon my vehicle.

2. I enjoyed watching the Winter Olympics although I have never really participated in any of the sports involved. Everyone remembers where they were when they heard Al Michaels intone his famous "Do you believe in miracles?" with 5 seconds to go in the USA hockey team's upset of the USSR in 1980. That phrase worked wonders once, and only once, but it should not be used again, and particularly for 'minor' sporting events and inconsequential plays. For instance, CNBC announcer Paulus Harman throroughly embarrassed himself when he blared it three times during the Slovenia-Slovakia curling match in the preliminary rounds.

3. One of the most dangerous days of traffic in US history occurred a few years ago back on December 28, 2006 two days after the death of former US president Gerald Ford. The reason for the high death rate was that people (justly) showed their respect and paid their appropriate tribute to the late president by driving down the middle of the road in Ford's honor.

4. I've often wondered what the accepted community standard is for how much time should elapse between a person's demise and the discontinuance of the modifier "late" preceding their name. For instance, you would appropriately speak of the "late" Ted Kennedy since he died only last year (2009) but not the "late" John F. Kennedy since it has been 47 years since his assassination. Likewise, it is the "late" Michael Jackson but not the "late" William McKinley.

I do believe that the accepted standard seems to be somewhere between 3 and 5 years, unless I'm wrong and then I'll recant.

5. One of the most exciting books I ever read (many years ago) was Louis L'Amour's "The Sackett Brand" in which the good guy, after much struggle and chase, finally shot and killed the bad guy in the last chapter, near the last page. As a matter of fact in "Comstock Lode" (by L'Amour) the bad guy gets his "comeuppance" in the form of a fatal angry gunning down by the good guy on the very last page of a 400+ page book! Now that's excitement, tension, build-up and climax!

I'd like to write an ultraviolent historically complex western about 1000+ pages long and not have the bad guy get killed until the endnotes in the very back of the book. (or maybe the back cover for that matter) One 'avant garde' French novelist has the main antagonist killed off in the table of contents. One more reason to distrust modern French literature.

6. Did former Chicago Cubs infielder Ernie Banks ever actually say the phrase "Let's play two?" This smacks of an 'urban legend' since it is hard to believe that anybody would ever utter such a series of vocables into the air. It's simply hard to believe that Banks (or anyone else) would have ever said such a thing at any time....ever.

7. One of the great discoveries of all time was when Dr. Jonas Salk discovered the penicillin which had been sitting in the pantry behind the canned goods.

8. These kids today who enjoy their cornbread and biscuits free of vermin don't remember what it was like back in the old days when rats ran at will in the town flour supply. Also to them, the phrase 'rat salad' is a 'gross' absurdity, not a concrete reality to be taken with a grain of not-so-metaphorical salt.

Once again, these are the good old days!

9. My first encounter with Tuesday Weld occurred in "New Frontier", a Donald Fagen song from his great solo album, "The Nightfly". My second encounter with Tuesday Weld was in a vintage 'Ozzie and Harriet' episode in which Miss Weld played the part of a girl who sort of 'toyed' with the younger Nelson boy's affections until she accidentally damaged the fender of the older Nelson boy's car and begged him not to tell her father since she had been driving his car. Younger Nelson got even with Miss Weld by making her lug his heavy books around school and dictate his class notes for him for several weeks.

If the foregoing plot reminds you in any way of an old Lewis Grizzard joke involving a bar patron and a woman of somewhat loose morals, and containing the punch line, "Paint my house", don't blame me. Blame society itself.

10. The great Boston comic Steven Wright was known to have purchased a product marketed as "Instant Water" at the local grocery store but found it well-nigh impossible to properly use said product once purchased, since he confessed a complete mental conundrum as to what substance should be used in successful combination therewith. Mr. Wright had also purchased a package of batteries at a local store and once he opened the batteries having returned to his residence, he found to his chagrin that they were not included in the original packaging!

Mr. Wright has further related his foolish acquisition of a map of these United States which turned out to be, unfortunately, 'actual size.' One mile was equal to one mile on the map scale. Consequently, Wright relates that he was forced to spend the entirety of a summer (4 months total) simply folding the darned thing so it would fit into the glove compartment of his vehicle!

Who Dat?

2010-02-05T19:36:00.000-08:00

On the eve-eve of 'Supah Bowl Foity-Foah', I can't resist 'da temptation' to pay a little tribute to de Crescent City and da team dats gonna beat dem Colts. So heah's a little Top 10 list of da best things about New Orleans and about da team dat Archie built.

1. The very best book written on the richness and infinite variety of the New Orleans restaurant scene remains Richard Collin's "The New Orleans Underground Gourmet" published in 1975. Besides justly famous and long standing places such as Brennan's, Antoine's, Galatoire's, etc., Collin reviewed many defunct hole-in-the-walls. Although his description of the Paul Gross Chicken Coop stands out in the original edition as being the "foulest smelling restaurant in the city," Collin returned to this restaurant and gave it a much more favorable review. Mr. Collin died recently (Jan. 19, 2010) at age 78.

2. Although I don't dare to venture a prediction as to the actual score of the game, I do predict one thing: if the Saints win (as I most certainly hope that they do), I predict that there is a 100% certainty that there will be no school, no trash pick-up and no city services at all for Monday, Tuesday and most of Wednesday.

3. Speaking of game predictions, I'm tired of hearing about "Manning vs. Brees". Both are great quarterbacks, but obviously the correct matchup description is Manning vs. the Saints defense and Brees vs. the Colts defense. Manning is probably a better pure passer and very possibly the eventual greatest QB to play once he retires, but the Saints have Reggie Bush, the difference maker (if he can hang onto the football).

4. The Big Easy has certainly made significant progress since Katrina. Speaking of predictions (in general), it seems that Nostradamus made a prediction about Hurricane Katrina over 500 years before it happened. Just listen to this passage from Book VI, Quatrain 22:

"And out of the South a wind
comes up and terrifies upon the
Crescent (!) towne forcing both
Those to the dome and to Morial."

Now, that's just plain eerie, or so I think!

5. But as I said before, New Orleans has (partially) recovered although the ubiquitous beer stands on Bourbon Street which, in the late great 80's, proudly sold large 20 oz. plastic cups of Dixie draft have all but disappeared.

There's always a price to pay for progress.

6. The novelist Walker Percy gave an all too accurate and pithy summary of the problem of New Orleans political corruption when he described it as being performed with both "Catholic gaiety and Protestant industry." Percy also famously described Plaquemines Parish as being like "Neshoba County run by Trujillo".

Hey, we ain't here to talk about Plaquemines Parish! Get back to da main issue, ya fat old andouille!

7. I don't know if there are many more "K & B Drugstores" still surviving, but I remember the presence of the purple and gold signs which provided some measure of reassurance (as well as Bufferin and Bayer) to many a partygoer. I believe that K & B has been replaced by CVS and Walgreens, as everywhere else. Likewise, the days of Falstaff, Jax, and Schlitz, all sold freely by the cup, have been replaced by Abita Springs, as good as it admittedly is.

Again...the progress thing.....

8. As a cruel practical joke, there was a tourist book for New Orleans published a few years ago which praised Mid City, Treme, and the area north of Rampart Street as the 'best places to aimlessly daydream and just take in the sights'.

Scores of out-of-towners followed that innocuous advice and.....paid the ultimate sacrifice. Let us observe a moment of silence for our fallen heroes.

9. It seems sometimes that everyone from New Orleans has got an "Uncle Alphonse" and an "Aunt Louisa", both of whom have listened faithfully to WWL AM 870 for years now and call into the afternoon radio show to complain about the parking at Gov. Nicholls and Barracks down at the riverfront.

10. Finally, a musical tribute to the Crescent City, courtesy of Benny Grunch and the bunch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxNaY0WZ-18

Go Saints, and I'll check dis postin on Monday, over and out.

Still More Random Thoughts.

2010-01-31T12:55:00.000-08:00

Here are a list of 10 more 'random thoughts' Sowell-style, none of which can be adequately explained or correctly interpreted: only savored and enjoyed.

1. The old wives' tale, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away", is very true indeed, and has been proven equally true in the aggregate. For example, 4 apples a day seems to keep 3 doctors away, and 250 apples a year will keep at a comfortable distance, 100-150 physicians on an annual basis. And as could be expected, there are currently no medical practitioners to be found anywhere in the apple-producing counties of eastern Washington state.

Ain't that grand?

2. Some people bemoan the ubiquitous telemarketer who seems to call every single evening during suppertime with a solicitation, often in direct violation of the current FCC 'no call lists.' For my money though, I'll take a modern telemarketer any day over the old style door to door salesman who used to show up uninvited every few weeks ringing your door bell at suppertime. If you cracked the door too far, they would inevitably insert the old "shoe on a stick" into the doorspace thereby preventing closure and insuring entry into your house. You would then always end up buying a Fuller brush which you didn't want, and a set of encyclopedias which you didn't need.

Not only that, but they usually ate up all of your supper as well.

I don't know about you, but I'll take these modern 'telemarketers' any old day!

3. Dr. Vivian Miholo is a professor of Zen who lost one of his arms in a tragic sawmill accident back in 1977. He became a traveling orator, giving rousing speeches resulting in standing ovations at sold out Zen conventions. Dr. Miholo will tell all who listens that he has found that he doesn't need two hands anyway.

Applause, Applause!

4. I'll never forget the "Foxfire" wisdom of old Jasper McWhiney. Once, when asked what is the difference between a 'creek', a 'stream', and a 'brook', old Jasper McWhiney answered thusly:

"The difernce (sic) betwixt a crick, stream and brook is whut (sic) I'll tell ye: A crick is a great big ol' stream. A stream is a little bitty ol' crick. A brook ain't no part of nuthin'!"

Friends, it's hard to argue with that!

5. Speaking of old Jasper McWhiney, he always believed (as I do) that one of the most despicable 'prayers' which could be offered was the 'prayer' which went as follows: "Use me, O Lord.....preferably in an advisory capacity." This always sickened old Jasper, and he used to always say, when speaking of this so-called 'prayer': "There ain't no one who'll bust hell wide open as much as these here what say this type of tommy-rot and jes' plain old nonsense."

Again, hard to argue with that.

6. It has been proven time and time again, that the "Golden Rule" applies to all people everywhere with the exception of masochists. The Golden Rule never applies for masochists.

7. I once heard a very funny old Soviet joke which had been circulating since the 1950's. It began with Khrushchev, Boris Pasternak, and an Orthodox patriarch walking into a bar after Stalin's funeral. I don't remember the 'meat' of the joke, but I well remember the punchline: "Hey, that was no Five Year Plan, that was my wife!"

I sure wish I could remember the rest of it.

8. Speaking of comedy, during impromptu speeches, President William McKinley used to warm up his audiences with tasteless ethnic jokes, usually at the expense of people of southern and eastern European extraction, with names such as D'Antonio, Wojoleski, and Czolgosz. Especially names like Czolgosz.

9. Speaking of assassins, legendary Pittsburgh Steeler coach Chuck Noll once accused Oakland Raiders defensive back George Atkinson of being part of a 'criminal element' after old No. 43 knocked out Steeler wide receiver Lynn Swann with a forearm to the head.

Steelers-Raiders. Jack Tatum. Jack Lambert. Mean Joe Greene and Kenny Stabler. Was there ever a better NFL rivalry in the so called 'golden age of the NFL'?

10. Finally, speaking of Japanese restaurants, part of their universal appeal seems to be the aesthetic quality of the food as prepared and the way that it is placed on the plate in perfect harmonious order. A 'feng shui' sense of balance and proportion renders even the most inexpensive dining venture at a Japanese establishment, the most delightful of culinary events for this very reason.

But should you actually order the 'bird's nest' soup?

Well, I'd say go ahead and try it out. You only live twice.

Random Yuletide Thoughts

2009-12-25T18:14:00.000-08:00

Again, in the same vein as the previous posting, here are a few more random thoughts concerning Yuletide.

1. I have noticed a marked difference between the kinds of Christmas cards that my English friends send and the ones which my American friends send. (My family lived in the UK back in 1980 and I still receive cards from them almost 30 yrs. later.) For example, the British ones are almost without exception, printed by small craft guilds which specialize in things like fighting poverty in Africa, providing flood relief for the tsunami victims in Indonesia, sustainable development for poor countries, Oxfam, World Mission, etc. etc.. The people who send such cards relate in painstaking detail their past year taking eco-vactions in South America, shearing sheep in New Zealand, and helping to evangelize Muslims in London or Marseilles. There is usually a quote from Corrie Ten Boom or John Stott, and a photo of a foreign locale.

The Christmas cards from my American friends either consists of a picture of the entire extended family at the recent July family reunion taken at Gulf Shores where they all enjoyed a giant crawfish boil, or a photoshopped picture of Alabama football coach Nick Saban wearing a Santa hat.

Different cultures, I guess.

2. One of my favorite Christmas memories involve pulling out the old 33 1/3 record albums with "all the stars" singing their Christmas favorites. These stars included Burl Ives, Theodore Bikel, Jim Nabors, and Steve and Eydie Gorme. The records were usually given away for free with a fill-up at the local Gulf station.

3. On Christmas eve and into Christmas day, I noticed that one of the national cable TV channels was running Jean Shepherd's annual classic, "A Christmas Story" ('you'll shoot your eye out', etc.) continuously. Although an enjoyable movie, this idea is just about as bad as the local Miami radio station which played Glenn Frey's "Smuggler's Blues" continously for one whole day (or for the better part of a day) back in the 1980's.

Sometimes, too much of a good thing is exactly that.

4. Here is the authentic recipe for stuffed roast pig, a 15th century English favorite at Christmas, as taken from www.godecookery.com.

Pygge y-farsyd (Roast Pig)

PERIOD: England, 15th century | SOURCE: Harleian MS 279 | CLASS: Authentic
DESCRIPTION: Stuffed roasted pig
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL RECEIPT:
.xxxiij. Pygge y-farsyd. Take raw Eyroun, & draw hem þorw a straynoure; þan grate fayre brede; take Safroun & Salt, & pouder of Pepir, & Swet of a schepe, & melle alle to-gederys in a fayre bolle; þen broche þin Pygge; þen farce hym, & sewe þe hole, & lat hym roste; & þan serue forth.

- Austin, Thomas. Two Fifteenth-Century Cookery-Books. Harleian MS. 279 & Harl. MS. 4016, with extracts from Ashmole MS. 1429, Laud MS. 553, & Douce MS 55. London: for The Early English Text Society by N. Trübner & Co., 1888.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GODE COOKERY TRANSLATION:

Stuffed Pig. Take raw eggs, and pass them through a strainer; then grate good bread; take Saffron & Salt, & powder of Pepper, & Suet of a sheep, & mix all together in a good bowl; then put the Pig on a spit; then stuff him, & sew the hole (shut), & let him roast; & then serve forth.

They don't do 'em like that anymore!

5. I always remember the annual Perry Como Christmas Special in which he would sing holiday standards whilst lying in his bed, with the covers pulled up. Needless to say, it was a bit soporific, and I usually turned the channel to Mannix instead.

6. Although they have since been banned as constituting a severe fire hazard, I always enjoyed the large yellow, green, orange, pink, red and blue lights which were wrapped around the Christmas tree. They were replaced with the small non-flammatory plastic type lights, which are admittedly safer, but much less satisfying.

7. Whenever I go to Wal-Mart, Target or any other fine retail establishment, I fully expect every employee there to wish me a "merry Christmas" and usually become extremely angry when that fails to materialize.

Our once proud country will never become great again until the lowly workers once more say "merry Christmas" at the cash register after ringing up the sale.

8. Most Christmas pilots for TV shows were very successful and set the tone for the upcoming weekly show, i.e., The Walton's Homecoming Christmas special and the pilot for Kojak, "Yule's Gambit." (Yul Brynner played the original Kojak in the pilot, later replaced by Telly Savalas; just as Patricia Neal played the original Mrs. Walton, replaced by Michael Learned for the regular series.)

However, a notable failure in this regard was "Elf Cola" starring the irrepressible Billy Barty. The Christmas special was excellent, resulting in an early 70's novelty song holiday hit of the same title, but the weekly show failed miserably and is now regarded as the absolute nadir of television viewing.

9. Speaking of The Walton's Homecoming Christmas special, do you remember that famous scene where Mrs. Walton (Patricia Neal) could not stand the fact that John-Boy (Richard Thomas) constantly retreated to his room, and so forced the issue in order to discover his multitude of diaries in which he wondered aloud of the nature of the "ocean" and whether he would ever get to see an ocean? etc..

Mrs. Walton (Neal) then shamefacedly growled out "John-Boy, I do vow!" And so her morbid curiousity was sated....for a season.

10. I also remember the old Jackson (MS) radio personality, Farmer Jim Neal, on WSLI, who used to play novelty songs at Christmas time, most notably, the irresistable "Jingle Bell Dogs". Even at a relatively early age, I knew that the dogs were not actually barking in musical unison, and the whole thing was most likely effected through overdubs and taping effects, but I always suspended my disbelief, if only for a short time, and yielded my soul to the wonder of a group of dogs belting out a truly American classic.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Random Thoughts and Historical Occurrences (ala Thomas Sowell and Larry King)

2009-12-13T18:59:00.000-08:00

Every so often, political and cultural columnist Thomas Sowell will publish an article entitled "Random Thoughts", in which he states in snippet form, a random assortment of things which occurred to him recently. Since I've had writers block for awhile, I decided to imitate Sowell (such as I can) in the same manner, as well as the old Larry King sports column often expressed in selfsame fashion. So here are a few random thoughts with relation to the historical past. (The Piggly Wiggly logo relates to the 'small town grocery store' post-#3)

1. Although many decry the occasional outbreak of violence and 'thuggery' in modern pro sports (etc., NBA, NFL, hockey, etc.), a cursory glance at history will show that spectator sports nowadays resemble a church picnic compared to some of the spectacles of yesteryear. For example, Ty Cobb of the old Detroit Tigers in the early 1900's, would be arrested in put in prison if he played today and did the same things he did then (beating and kicking a handicapped heckler unconcscious, etc. etc.), and you took your life in your hands if you attended a Giants-Cubs match in 1904.

2. Speaking of the American pastime, what are the chances that Lou Gehrig should contact, of all things, Lou Gehrig's disease? (Also, isn't it strange that Cy Young, by all accounts, the greatest hurler of them all, never once won the Cy Young award!)

3. Although I confess to shopping at Wal-Mart for convenience and quantity pricing, I miss the 'small town' grocery store which is slowly being squeezed out of the picture. Good old local chains like Piggly Wiggly, Sunflower, et al, used to represent the heart and soul of the town. I worked at a Piggly Wiggly in high school many years ago, and remember vividly the colorful characters about whom "anecdotes clustered like barnacles" (to quote Eugene Peterson) who were regular customers such as Chew Brown, the elderly African American purveyor of "mule tobacco" and P.T. Barnum, the cigar smoking dispenser of wisdom and procurer of Manteca lard and Jax beer.

4. I remember reading of the sad case of a Baptist pastor in Texas who was divested from his pulpit and thrown out of his church after he was caught "giving the devil his due." Well, there but for the grace of God, go all of us, I guess......

5. I've got a crazy idea, but it just might work.

6. President Obama did not deserve to win the Nobel Peace Prize, although he gave a fairly good speech in Oslo. It was much better than his speech at West Point.

7. I'm very glad that Mark Ingram of Alabama won the 2009 Heisman Trophy. He deserved it, although Colt McCoy of Texas has the best name, by far. (My favorite all time name is "Angelo Dundee", the former trainer for Muhammed Ali.)

8. The New Orleans Saints are now 13-0 having defeated Atlanta. I remember the old time "Aints" and poor Archie Manning spending every game running for his life. Besides Tom Dempsey kicking his 63 yard game winning field goal in 1970, the Saints possessed very few memories in their first 30 years worth putting onto the highlight reel. (Yes, I remember Chuck Muncie and Ricky Jackson)

9. Speaking of the Superdome (relatively speaking), I have a "good news-bad news" story: The bad news is that I had to spend Hurricane Katrina inside the Superdome amidst the filth, heat and squalor. The good news is that I had seats right on the 50 yard line for the entire time.

10. According to Teddy White, then candidate for President, Ronald Reagan, at the 1980 New Hampshire/Nashua debate in which he grabbed the microphone after the moderator John Breen threatened to shut it off, referred to Mr. Breen as "Mr. Green." I myself, had always thought it was "Green" also, so I feel better as I am in good company!

El Paseo- Great New Mexican Restaurant!

2009-02-14T21:06:00.000-08:00

The next time you are passing through Greenville, you definitely need to stop in and eat at El Paseo's Mexican Restaurant. They have an incredible menu in which the entrees are all numbered from 1 to 10. Due to the incredible diversity of the items offered, it's hard to make a choice, but all are quite good:

1. One taco, one burrito, one chile relleno, two enchiladas.
2. Two tacos, two burritos, one enchilada.
3. One enchilado, two tacos, one chile relleno, two burritos.
4. One taco, two tacos, one burrito, one enchilada, one more burrito.
5. Two tacos, two enchiladas, one chile relleno, one burrito.
6. One enchiladas, one more enchilada, two burritos, one taco, one more taco.
7. One burrito, two chile rellenos, two burritos, one enchilada.
8. Two burritos, one taco, one taco, one taco, one chile relleno.
9. One burrito, one taco, one burrito, one chile relleno, one enchilada, one taco.
10. Two enchiladas, one taco, one burrito, one chile relleno.

I usually tend to order #4, but #3 and #8 are good when I feel like a complete change of pace.

C.L. Jolley's Booklist

2009-02-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

I ran across a distribution booklist issued back in 1999 by C.L. Jolley, the cantankerous old hard core conservative essayist, theorist, and 'jack of all trades'. I actually met Mr. Jolley once and while impressed by his breadth of knowledge and erudition on all things political and cultural, I was offended by his boorishness and absolute lack of tact in personal matters. Here it is unedited:

Friends, here's a little foward from one of the few decent 100% American political and religious organizations out there. They take all credit cards and don't take American Express.---C.L. Jolley

This is a little catalog of a few of our titles--browse and see if theres anything you woud like to order, if so, then send a SASE to the below addresss. SHIPPING NOT INCLUDED IN LIST. ORDER AT OWN RISK.

1. "Satan's Castle--The United Nations"-- by Woody W.T. Gorman-- The TRUE expose of the United Nations and how this sorry state of affairs came about. $19.95

2. "The McCainspiracy"-- by H.L. "Hall" Hallwell-- Just in time for the presidential election. Proves without a shadow of a doubt that Sen. John McCain is a communist agent. $24.99

3. "The Federalist Papers"-- Read them for yourselves. $44.99

4. "Proposition 256--H**** No!"-- Political tract written to protest passage of the controversial proposition on the Arizona ballot about 20 years ago regarding a flagrant violation of our divinely given rights and liberties. $5.99

5. "25 Unrefutable Reasons and Proofs That John Bransford Went to Hell and So Remains There Today."-- by Edward R. Rosser. Dr. Rosser is no slouch and no lightweight and this monumental work written back in 1977 on the religious apostate and political traitor ex-Congressman John Bransford has never been refuted. $9.99

6. "A Just Defense of the Blood Oaths and the Blood Sports"--by Dr. U.L. Lydell. This controversial masterpiece is sure to raise some eyebrows and cause more than a little debate, but DO NOT JUDGE Dr. Lydell until you have read this yourself. Dr. Lydell is a brilliant rhetorician and those who have debated him have been torn to pieces. $14.99 (special bound photocopy edition: $23.99)

7. "30 More Reasons That John Bransford Is Now in Hell." by Dr. Edward R. Rosser. Uncomfortable reading to be sure, but Dr. Rosser has never been refuted and his logic is unassailable. $13.99

8. "Strength Through Superior Firepower", by G.L. Long. The alltime classic. Separates the hawks from the doves and the gainsayers from the naysayers. $12.99

9. "The Art and Necessity of Well Presentation" by Reed Mallasek. Mr. Mallasek is a top salesman and pitchman and will show you how to present yourself as a winner. $22.99

10. "An Index of Indices" by Gainey Rooney. Dr. Rooney has complied an index of all other indexes that are found in the realm of anti-United Nations and anti-World Bank literature. And theres a lot out there. $39.99

REMEMBER--ALL PROFITS FROM RIGHTGUARD APPROACHES GO TO THE FUNDING OF THE ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER, THE BRINGING DOWN OF ALAN GREENSPAN AND GEORGE BUSH, AND THE FUTURE ANTI-JOHN BRANSFORD MEMORIAL IN SPRING CITY, MARYLAND.

Friends, I believe I'd order from them while there's still time! ----C.L. Jolley

Alabama Attorney Announcments (for Feb. 2009)

2009-02-08T21:03:00.000-08:00

ALABAMA ATTORNEY ANNOUNCEMENTS--

The firm of Jones, Starbuckle, Harwell, & Pogue, LLC, Huntsville, has formally changed its' name to Jones, Starbuckle, & Pogue, LLC due to Harwell's carelessness.

Billy McGrealy And His Gashouse Gang has changed its' name to a more appropriate title in fitting with its' estate planning and corporate reorganization practice: McGrealy, Patterson, Rennett, Grimes & Cook, L.L.M. The address will continue to be 21st Ave. and Waterbrook, Birmingham.

H.L. Polk & Associates located at 101 East St., Decatur, have announced that they will no longer honor any of the personal checks of James C. Greer or anyone else associated with the Greer family.

CORRECTION-- The firm of Reavis, Lake and Hyatt, P.C., Hoover, mistakenly included the name of Daniel R. Baxton, 223 Oak Drive, Hoover, as one of the new associates joining the firm. Mr. Baxton's name was actually dropped from the running early on and was never henceforth considered again. The firm sorely regrets any inconvenience this may have caused to the wonderful readers of this fine publication. (Ed. reminder--There is NO Daniel R. Baxton at this firm and he most likely is at no other firm either as who would have him...)

Compton, Gillis & and Hiroshima, P.A., Dothan, are pleased to announce that Senator Robert Hawkins (Dem, Dist.44) has become associated with the firm and will replace five junior associates as yet to be named beginning next Monday, February 9. Maybe even 7 or 8.

The Morgan County Legal Clinic, Decatur, is pleased to announce that Davida Symons-Huiomong Ryan Lynne Parker-Guiterrez Bowers-Coffin Barnhill will be leaving the firm to assume her duties as an official fulltime delegate to the World Council of Churches. Ms. Davida Symons-Huiomong Ryan Lynne Parker-Guiterrez Bowers-Coffin Barnhill will be heading the World Justice, Racism, Homophobia and Tolerance Task Force.

The Offices of M. L. Farrington, Wetumpka, proudly announce that the unfortunate Nevis T. Cabell has been totally DISASSOCIATED with the firm and EXCOMMUNICATED from their presence.

DISBARMENTS--

R.T. Gooch, Anniston, was DISBARRED WITH PREJUDICE on January 20, 2009 for "confusion between negative commission and positive omission" and the inability to distinguish between the two.

J.L."Straight 98" Christmas of the Thomas House Firm, Demopolis, was DISBARRED WITH ALL DELIBERATE SPEED for "the undue undoing of that which was duly due to be done." POSSIBLE REINSTATEMENT is certainly not probable.

Ortley L. "Lang" Langford of Langley, Ortford, Langford, Ortley, Langfort & Ortfort, P.A., Sylacauga, was DISBARRED UTTERLY AND FINALLY for playing it too close to the vest and rubbing both sides of the same coin. (Special thanks to firm partners Ortford Langley and Langford "Ort" Ortley for reportage)

Brooks "Assassin" Tunney of The Law Haw Project was DISBARRED WITHOUT RECOURSE for "things yet undone which were foreseen as soon to be done" by Tunney and these were things richly deserving of DISBARMENT.

-------JOB ANNOUNCEMENTS-----

The Cooksey Law Palace, Tuscaloosa, is looking for an attorney with 4-8 experience in Toxic Tort Litigation to fill a position immediately. The successful candidate will be able to "take the ball and run roughshod over Judge Hunt with it."

The Honorable Judge James J. Hunt, District 3, is looking for a clerk. Requirements: GPA, Law Review, a strong stomach and an iron will.

The Prichard Public Defenders Office is looking for an immediate opening in the Crackhouse-and-Murder Division. The successful candidate will "hit the ground running." Special vehicle provided. Must provide names of next-of-kin.

The Whiteshoe firm of McKnight, Horts, & Doolittle, Mobile, proudly announce an opening in the Meals and Lodging Business Deduction Division of their Tax Section. This is a GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY for the successful candidate, but the successful candidate WILL be in the top 5 % of their Law School class, WILL be a member of Law Review, and WILL be able to "sucessfully provide the most powerful clientele in America with the Meals and Lodging Deductions that our clients deserve" through a skillful handling of I.R.S. Sec. 45 and Letter Rulings 45-299 and 312." The successful candidate WILL also have the world as their oyster.

-----That's all for this month-----------------------------------

Amazon.Com Book Reviews- 2009

2009-02-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of Amazon's bestselling hardback books for January, 2009 with a short review of each.

1. The Idiot's Guide to Mental Retardation by Sargent Carl Grigsby and Dr. Van Allan.

This overview of the different degrees and variations of mental acumen and lack thereof surprised not a few as being one of the most incisive titles in the current "Idiot's Guide" series. For instance did you know that a moron is smarter than an imbecile, but not quite as bright as a mere dolt? Dr. Allan provides wonderful commentary and a helpful chart on the frontispiece which details this gradation in toto:

IQ Level: 500+ SuperGenius
400-500 Blockbuster
300-400 Einsteinian Superbuster
200-300 Genius In Brillante
185-200 Plain Genius
180-185 Brilliant
170-180 Very, Very Bright
165-170 Very Bright
155-160 Bright
150-155 Above Average
140-150 Average Mean
130-140 Vagarie C
125-130 Muddlehead
120-125 Palooka
110-120 Bonehead
100-110 Addlebrain
90-100 Blockhead
75-90 Dolt
60-75 Potato Masher
50-60 Dimwit
40-50 Stooge
30-40 Moron
25-30 Imbecile
20-25 Idiot
15-20 Dipsy Doodle
10-15 Pissant (French sp.)
5-10 Hay Haw
0-5 Blatherskate

(--for the record both Dr. Allan and Sgt. Grigsby are in the Very, Very Bright range.)

2. The Asp and The Adder by Beth Hodder Greaves--

A florid, seething, earthy and wondrous 800 page gothic novel about delicacies, intricacies, metaphors, intrigue, allusions and subtle nuances which swirl about in a thicket of fresh wild bramble.

3. Why I Done Whut I Done- by John C. Francis

Back for the umpteenth time, this amazing, heartwrenching and life-affirming autobiography of the real life "Kid Colt Outlaw" (John C. Francis) remains a perennial favorite. Mr. Francis pens his memoirs of a sordid and sorry past of gunslinging, cattle rustling, name calling, water troughing, stump whooping, eventual prison time and an eventual coming to terms with the U.S. Marshal and a making amends of past misdeeds. Especially poignant is the reunion with old enemies Robert Gray (the "Rawhide Kid") and Orrin Sackett. Kid Colt lives and dies by his motto: "I won't back down from any man spoiling for a fight, but I reckon to always set my sights on fair play and an honest wage."

-Truer words were never spoken.

4. Welcome To My Hurricane, I'll Be Your Host- by Jere Hough,

The longtime Mobile, Alabama local weatherman on Channel 5 finally gives away his secrets and shows why he is known as "Mr. Obsequious." Mr. Hough, one of a kind in his bowtie and unflappable servility as he announces the oncoming storm, always reassures his viewers that even with thunderstorms and severe weather patterns approaching, there's always time for civility and deference. I'll be your host for the hurricane this evening. I think we will have a good time.

5. Prophecy in Hindsight- Dr. Jack Van Impe

Dr. Jack Van Impe got it right with his take on the breakup of the Soviet republics but was wrong on Turkey, dead wrong on the identity of the antichrist (Chou En Lai) and blown out of the water on the prediction that 1988 would be the end of the world. He's still batting about .298 though and that's better than Al Kaline. (Al Kaline ended his career with a .297 batting average and works for the Detroit Tigers organization.)

6. The Rake's Progress--by Allen Hawley---a rollicking account of the original "rake"--the free-wheeling, swashbuckling, rakish Founding Father, Gouvernier Morris--he wasn't really a governor, but he sure was a rake!

7. Best Jobs/ Worst Jobs--the Dept. of Labor pub.---a nice compilation of the best jobs in the U.S....as well as the worst. Here's a sample: Best Job: Executive Wine and Cheese Tester for Gourmet Magazine----Worst Job: Barehanded Cesspool Dredger.---better study hard for those SAT's!

8. Harry Porter and the Flying Dragon- by Alice Chalmers---out February 15----sort of a formula story of a 12 year old boy who uses sorcery to defeat a large dragon---fairly predictable, but of interest mainly for the copyright infringement suit which is sure to follow in August.---Who gets to represent Rowling in this one?

9. The Party Line- Official Soviet Humour From the 1930's and 40's- compiled by Dr. Paul Westhover, professor at Norwich University in Britian----a broad sample of the best and most oft-told jokes in the Stalin era. Here's a good representative: "Q: Where does Comrade Stalin sit when he goes to an official banquet? A: Anywhere he d--n well pleases!"
---and so on, etc.. -This is one of the funnier ones.

10. Baby Needs A New Pair of Shoes-A Young Person's Guide to Vegas by William J. Bennett-- the former Education Secretary lays the groundwork for effective betting in the Las Vegas casinos---marketed primarily to the 12-16 year old age group-----hits, stops, pulls, lets, and "folding high" are among the complexities Bennett expertly covers in this handy little guide to games of chance.-----Is standing pat with a pair of kings really considered a "virtue"?

11. The True Meaning of X-Mas--by Dr. Richard Rosenklavier--

Spend some quality time with Dr. Rosenklavier as he reminds us that this special time of year is not about Pokemon and consumerism but about metaphor and meaning. A deeply, deeply moving, disturbing, reassuring and utterly profound book. Marked down for clearance.

12. Palladin's Carbuncle-the great Norman Mailer (published posthumously)--

The great American man of letters outdid himself this time with a 25,000 page classic. Very hard to understand and very filthy throughout but es brilliante! Only $275.99--no layaways please.

13. No Wasted Motions--by Dr. Edward L. Harris--

America's top efficiency expert, Dr. Harris gives his ingenious plan which anyone can follow for a complete reordering and restructuring of your daily life. From the time you get out of bed in the morning to the time you get back into bed that night, you can learn how to act with 100% MAXIMUM EFFICIENCY and not waste a single motion. Because you simply can't afford to waste any more time.

14. The Top Ten People of the Past Millennium (1000-2000)--The Rogers Institute

This one is self-explanatory--and controversial! For instance, Ben Franklin made the cut, but Anwar Sadat did not. Kemalil Ataturk also made the list, but Amerigo Vespucci did not. Tommy Jefferson made it, but Pope Urban II certainly did not; Bill Shaksepeare- si, Eli Whitney, no---------probably the most controversial pick of all was that of General Omar Bradley.

15. USA Today/ People Magazine's Social Forecast--

Find out what we're doing these days, what we're eating, what we're thinking, who we're admiring, what we'd like to be doing, and so, so much more! For people in the know like you.

16. The Ultimate Horror-- by T.L. Mennefield

The late, great Mennefield, who died of shock as soon as he wrote the infamous last page (the terrible page 780), has written the most horrible and shocking book of all time. Edgar Allen Poe and Steven King both are likened unto Dr. Seuss compared to Mennefield. This 780 page Gothic Horror Novel starts in a mundane, workaday fashion, no big deal, ho-hum etc.,... but slowly as the chapters and the plot unfolds, adverb is piled upon adverb, adjectives and prepositional phrase structures are intwined, intermeshed and woven into a syntaxical labrynthine macrocosm as the work moves inexorably towards its' tragical and horrible ending: Page 780 is absolutely the most HORRIBLE and SHOCKING piece of prose ever penned. PLEASE CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR, PASTOR AND PSYCHOLOGIST BEFORE READING THIS BOOK. Originally titled "Abe's Hideaway".

17. Laugh Until Urination--Race For the White House, 2008--by Mark Russell---Book and CD.

The funniest man in the world, Mark Russell is at it again with a hitherto unreleased collection of his political satire. Examples include his amazing piano rag in which he satirizes Hillary Clinton's ill-advised Social Security proposal in a B Minor cross-key arpeggio and his famous "Beltway Waltz" in which he takes on campaign finance reform in the style of the elder Strauss. WARNING--do NOT drink anything before you read this book, and/or listen to the CD. Side-splitting.

18. Likud's Honor--Teddy Bantam and the Bowery Boys

Basically (in our honest opinion), 350 pages of pure nothing, but everyone seems to be buying it this year. Fine with us.

19. Obamarama- Friends of Pres. Obama

A quiet tribute to the charismatic leader of the greatest country in the free world. Plenty of Hawaii shots and motivational quotes abound.

20. Ibid--Anonymous
At long last available in bargain price, the famous book which bears the noble distinction of having been cited more than any other work. Many have theorized as to who actually wrote this (one person--some say Joyce-- others say a combination of D.L. Bixby and James Michener, still others maintain that a supercomputer wrote it, others a team of associates)....but it hardly matters, this 350 volume set (cost $2500.00--the original printings were estimated at 2.3 million) contains facts, prose, mystery, espionage, poetry, irony, wisdom, and not a little heavy-handed triteness but it is all worth it.

On the surface, "Ibid" is basically a wartime suspense novel with psychological overtones set in 1940's London during the Battle of Britian. (Harry Leith, Vera, Cadbury, and Dr. Ippolit--those unforgettable characters!) It develops into more than that of course....much, much more. "Ibid" has been alternately praised, cursed and criticized for its' length and breadth of character and quality of its' prose. But it is cited more than any other book precisely because of it's wide-ranging subject matter and its' refusal to shy away from the hard issues. Some say it has become a monstrosity which is out of control and it admittedly has weighed heavily on every other author since its' inception. But it is "Ibid" and there is none like unto it.

Recent Attorney Disbarments- Alabama

2009-02-08T20:07:00.000-08:00

As requested, here is the official list of the attorneys who have been DISBARRED in Alabama as of the month of January, 2009.

--R.D. Kelly, Huntsville, Madison County Bar Association---DISBARRED for "repeated failures, annullments, doubts and misgivings".

--L.T. McFarland, Jasper----DISBARRED by operation of law.

--D.Fredrick Holmgren--Birmingham, Baker, Hughes & Greene--DISBARRED for gross misjudgment and negligent misadventure.

--G.C.X. Drewer--Anniston, Jerrod & Hayes--DISBARRED and DISANNULLED for "the doing of that which he ought not to have done, and for the not doing of that which he ought to have done" in a client matter entrusted to him.

--P.Y. Couric--Dothan-- DISBARRED UNEQUIVOCALLY for "the making a necessity out of that which was not and vice versa."

--I.L. O'Donnell--Montgomery, Parker & Poe-- DISBARRED INDUBITABLY for playing the fool several times and once too often.

--Professor B.C. Greer--Smut Eye-- DISBARRED for bringing grievous embarrassment and shame upon his colleagues in a Motion for Interpleader, Rule 26A.

--Col. G.T. Shipman--Gadsden-- EFFECTIVELY DISBARRED for technical violation of statute designed to trap the unwary.

--Y.R. "Big House" Tyler--Greene County Legal Clinic--DISBARRED FOREVERMORE for the "causing of that which (is) to be made utterly void and the other way around...etc."

----------------Thank you for your consideration----- please thank the following contributors to this monthly service:

D.G. Hennessy, Articles Editor
L.X. Fallon, Articles Editor #2
T.R. Guinn, Articles Editor et. al......

Pastoral Suspensions and Expulsions- Alabama District

2009-02-01T18:27:00.000-08:00

THIS IS A COMMUNITY SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT LIST OF AREA RELIGIOUS LEADERS WHO HAVE BEEN SUSPENDED AND/OR EXPELLED FROM THE PULPIT OF THEIR RESPECTIVE DENOMINATIONS, JANUARY, 2009.-----Taken from Central Alabama Religion News Service.

1. Rev. James P. McAfee- temporarily suspended from the pastorate of St. Luke's Methodist Church for "the gainsaying of that which was not." (Rev. McAfee in his defense, passionately disputed the gainsaying charge and earned himself a second suspension.)

2. Rev. Thomas Kodaly- suspended without further notice from St. Anne Lutheran Church for "getting lost in the text without a map." (He had the dubious honor of accomplishing this feat twice in one month.)

3. Big Pete Browning- expelled from the pulpit at Rock Hill Tabernacle for "planned spontaneity" and "positive negation." (Big Pete has appealed to both the Alabama Council of Churches and the Board of Ironies.)

4. Dr. T. Lewis Whittle- expelled from the pulpit without further recourse for "playing the devil's advocate."

5. Rev. J.S. Greer- expelled indefinitely from the pulpit of Thomas Road Baptist for "allowing the Apostle Paul to get into a 'jam' and then leaving him there."

6. Monsignor Francis Salinari- expelled from the Catholic League for "seeing through to two (2) or more popes at the same time and in the same respect."

7. Dr. Howard G. Bray- expelled with pay from the Lateran Council for "Blasphemous Disputations Upon The Function of King Hezekiah". (Dr. Bray has refused to apologize one bit for his part in the matter.)

8. King Ezra Rooney- expunged with recourse from the Unity Trinitarian Synagogue for his role in the Matter of Bildad. (case pending before the US Court of Claims, 7th Circuit)

9. Rev. Otis "Ote" Ottis- suspended for one sermon for both his "failure to act decisively," and "failure to carry out a work order."

10. Dr. Jhang Li Ho- expelled forevermore from the Korean Nazarene Assembly for "a little of this and a little of that."

WE HAVE MUCH TO LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Extra for the week of Feb. 1.--

The Fighting Words of Francis Schaeffer- famous (infamous) quotes pulled out of context from one of the last century's greats:

1. "....Gimme some tea!" from The God Who Is There, page 74.

2. "....I want to smash too!" from The God Who Is There, page 62.

3. "....smash the phonograph!" from The Church Before The Watching World, page 93.

4. ".....shut up about the blacks!" from The Church At the End of the 20th Century, page 82.

5."...smash the man to the ground with his big shepherd fist." How Then Should We Live, page 125.

Dr. Schaeffer is unfairly portrayed in a negative light by these quotes pulled completely out of context.

Thank you for your consideration in these matters.-ed.

2009 European Television Schedule

2009-02-01T18:11:00.000-08:00

The European TV (EuroTV) council has completed the 2009 European TV lineup and here are few samples from various countries within the orbit:

Editors' Note: The first two shows are excellent and the others are all terrible, just plain terrible. Stick with American TV instead!
--Available on Digital Satellite------

1. Hungary- "Fiddlin' Janos and Karolda"--- in this hourly melodrama laced with Magyar humour, the main character is an "old-timey" Hungarian fiddler (Janos, expertly played by Milos Czodly) who quit speaking in 1977 and communicates only through the fiddle. Not a few political overtones here, but even Western Europeans and Americans can enjoy the fiddle.

2. Spain- "Lambasto!"-- the late King Carlos II is throughly sliced, diced and made sport of in every way as this edgy irreverent humourous 30 minute Spanish comedy premieres on Feb. 1. Even those who are totally unfamiliar with King Carlos II will appreciate good old fashioned ridicule.

3. Ukraine- "Who Will Win 5000 Rubles To-day?"--a Ukrainian version of the U.S. game show hit which features Yuri Velnegov, a veteran of the old Soviet chess matches, rudely barking out question after question to the unfortunate guests. No multiple choices are allowed and the ruble is devalued enough to render the entire escapade altogether worthless and a waste of one's time and energy. Watch "Moscow Feud" instead.

4. Finland- "Monday Morning Quarterbacking"-- a half-hearted tribute to Howard Cosell, although it becomes increasingly clear after about the first 10 minutes that the Finns know next to nothing about American football.

5. Turkey- "Iron Lung"--a Turkish version of the American cooking channel show "Iron Chef" which instead features various contestants trying to out-smoke each other. It ain't cool.

6. Northern Siberia- "The Andy Griffith Show"-- reruns in syndication in Northern Siberia 4 times a day, 7 days a week. Interesting sidebar: The rugged Siberian audience loves Floyd the Barber and is indifferent to Gomer. They also hate the color ones with Howard Sprague and Warren. But then again we all hate those Sprague/Warren ones too. We're not so different after all.

7. Azerbajain- "Howard Hawke's Raw Deal"- This is a borrowed concept based on Mannix and Barnaby Jones. Waste of time. However, actor Rupert Smallington-Rudge speaks perfect, if clipped for Arabic censors, BBC British.

8. Vatican City- "St. Cristilo's Place"- Fun, games, comedy, sketchwork and Catholic doctrine is dished out every day at 3:00 right after Sanford and Son in syndications.

9. Germany- "Zum Geinhoeferderbinder"- This hour long yawner translates into Nyquil. 20 or so fast cars around a track, an occasional shoot out and techno music. Even the occasional guest appearance by Maximillan Schell helps not.

10. Poland- "It Is Now The Time For Flashback"- Nostalgia reins supreme as historical events and Lech Walesa soundbites and outtakes are made into a 39 minute video soup for those who love the past and who are condemned to repeat it. The Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show are shown occasionally.

Vintage Prairie Belt Sausage Cookbook!

2009-02-01T17:57:00.000-08:00

Here is a sample of some of the best recipes from the ORIGINAL Prairie Belt Sausage Cookbook (1953) which I found in my old dusty attic the other day. Seems all of them met Little Walter's "seal of approval"!--------Ed. Note-All recipes are unedited and in their original form----

1. "Mrs. Hendry's Plain Old Sausage With Greenbeans"- (sometimes called "Sausage Wheel")

Take 3 cans of 12 oz. Prairie Belt sausage and place them in a standard boiler. Add 4 oz. of salt, 2 teaspoons of pepper and a little extra water to add to the hearty sausage juice. Remember to scrape gristle jelly off the sausage. Goes well with a side boiler of warmed Green Snap Beans. If you forget to scrape jelly off of the sausage, then it still doesn't matter since it is good but not as good as the sausage itself.

-courtesy of Mrs. A.G. Hendry, Algoona, Iowa, 1952.

2. Sausage House-

Take one EXTRA LARGE can of Prairie Belt Sausage and drain the juice out. Place in frying pan with only a little lard and add: 3 tsp. of paprika, 4 oz. of oregano (if you have such a spice around the house!), 5 oz. of Worcestershire sauce (pronounced Wooster), 3 tsp. of Morton Iodized Salt, and a little bit of care and concern. Roll the sausages in the mixture and as soon as they sizzle a bit, then.....they're ready to eat. Watch them carefully as they may be hot and the grease WILL splatter. If you have a little Canned Sauerkraut, then by all means add that on the plate. Any other vegetables go good except large peas.

-courtesy of Mrs. D.L. Bauer, Counciltown, IA 1951

3. La Louisiana Especialles-

(ed. note-This recipe comes down through four generations of Yelverton's- all of whom spoke fluent bastard French.)

Bonjour! Une, you take the smoky variety of Praiere Belt (sic) sausages, and marinate thems in a "roux sauce" made of Worcestershire, onion and garlic powders. Deux, you take the French's mustard and SLATHER onto the sausages after being browned good and done for 1 hour at 375 degrees--Tres..........pull outen that there oven and EAT them things cher.

-courtesy of Mr. G.S. "Coon" Yelverton of Zachary, La. 1958

4. Little Underwood's Sausage Cake-
(EDITOR'S NOTE- this is the unaltered recipe of a 7 year old from Liberty, Mississippi-the spelling and grammar has been left intact)

Mee Maw and Paw Haw let me mak thiss when I gottens the sniffle-snaps---// Grabb a big old can of Prary Bett sasag and tak them all out. pur the grissle juice into a mason jar and drink it for latter. The sasag will be cook in oven for an hour and jk then let it out for hot. Big an sasg for pepper in the oven and sink- wash for gret al and cheese ans. 4 hour- thin it rizzen for Marha White flor and maw hap.

-courtesy of Master Underwood S. Lodey, Liberty, Ms. 1957
(ED. NOTE- isn't that precious?)

-Only four recipes? I want to read some more! Well, not in this blog posting but there you can order a copy on EBAY at the following rates: Only $21.99 for unstained copies, $13.99 for stained copies. $4.99 bargain value rate for stained, gross and foul-smelling copies from 1953.

IQ Test #1

2009-01-24T18:31:00.000-08:00

Here's a brief 10 question IQ test covering history, current events, logic, etc. The answers are following the questions. Take the test and find out how you rate, brainpower-wise.

1. What was Nader's nadir?
2. What was Zenith's zenith?
3. What was the high point of High Point?
4. Do egrets have regrets?
5. Why did Orientals discover the Occident by accident?
6. What is the "pair of dimes" paradigm?
7. What U.S. college offers a major in mining and a minor in majoring?
8. What was the lore of Les Moore of yore, more or less?
9. What values does Fosters foster?
10. What was the longest running show on television?

Answers:

1. After his successful diatribe against the automobile industry in "Unsafe at Any Speed", Ralph Nader's absolute low point was his ill-advised sequel, "Sixty in the Carwash."

2. The famous television company, Zenith enjoyed their highest sales figures in the early 1960's when they were selling TV's like hotcakes. (Hotcakes sold like pancakes in those days)

3. The greatest days of the city of High Point, North Carolina, were probably in the 'roaring '20's' when illegal booze flowed freely and the Fitzgeralds crashed every party in town. Ain't they got fun?

4. It has not been scientifically determined whether egrets have actual 'regrets' over things they've done or whether they just 'second guess' themselves every now and then.

5. Failure to orient themselves correctly.

6. In most locales, 20 cents.

7. Ripon College in Wisconsin offers Mining as a major and Majoring in the U.S. Army as a minor.

8. Yes, well more or less, the legend was that Les Moore was a notorious gunfighter who was gunned down in Tombstone, Arizona in the 1800's, and the epitaph on his gravestone reads:
Here lies Les Moore, Four slugs from a .44, No Les, No Moore.

9. The Australian beer company fosters hard work, justice and a sense of fair play.

10. The annual airing of the Boston Marathon (26.2 miles) has always been the longest running show on television.

Balm in Gilead- Alabama's 2008 Season

2008-11-22T08:20:00.000-08:00

Although 2008 has turned out to be the worst year for the worldwide economy in decades with falling stock prices, rising unemployment and shrinking credit, the oasis in the desert is the incredible year that the Alabama Crimson Tide has had. At 11-0, Bama's own stock has soared and Saban's squad is set to settle a 6 year old score with Auburn in the Iron Bowl on Nov. 29 and will put the hurt on Florida's Tebow and Company in the SEC Championship Game on Dec. 6. On top of that, it's been a bear market for Auburn while the bottom has literally dropped out for the Unv. of Tennessee.

I know that bad news sells papers and delivers the ratings for the news channels, but the nationwide media seems to have missed Bama's return to college football dominance, an event which has served to offer a lantern on the levee in the midst of the Mississippi river fog, a cordial at the beggar's banquet, and an offering of sausage, potatoes and good vodka in the midst of gruel and thin watery cabbage soup and nauseating hard black bread in Zhukov's ranks at the western front.

Cliche Watch: Discounting the title which is of course, originally Biblical and as filtered down via Poe's Raven, there are at least 7 cliches in this post. Can you spot them?

October 13, 2008- Where Were You When You Heard the News?

2008-10-14T07:48:00.001-07:00

One's initial reception of news of sudden and catastrophic events are always remembered in vivid detail. For example, everyone can remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when they first heard the news of the 9-11 terrorist attacks, just like everybody can describe their initial emotional reaction to the news of the death of President Kennedy. (I was reading a child's biography of JFK in 1971 or 1972 when I first heard of his assassination.)

For years now, the same question will be asked concerning the surreal announcement (first reported on Fox News, secondly on CNN) at approximately 1:30 CST (2:30 EST) that presidential candidate Barack Obama reportedly gained an entire percentage point lead over rival John McCain in the key battleground state of Virginia. (from 4 to 5%). In the words of Milton, "At once and at the trumpets' resound, the cymbal's/ aching crash, the world turned straight 'round."

On a personal note, my initial reaction to hearing this news was one of numbness and disbelief. Can this really be happening? I didn't want to accept an entire percentage point gain by the Dems especially in a state that Republicans have won in 5 of the last 8 elections. Further, McCain has gained a half of a percentage point in Michigan and Obama's poll numbers were reportedly starting to slide a bit in Ohio. I reasoned that a long walk in the (political) woods of 24/7 cable news accompanied by much wrestling with my thoughts and emotions was the only appropriate remedy to this bitter blow. After all, hasn't Chris Matthews assured us that "politics is life itself"?

Life will eventually return to normalcy as always, although everything has now changed forever.

In Search Of Bobby Fischer

2008-08-30T09:37:00.000-07:00

The world of chess has taken a backseat in the media in the past few years, especially compared to glamour of yesteryear as regards the sport. In 1972, when Bobby Fischer beat Boris Spassky, millions across the world were riveted to their television as ABC's Jim McKay announced every move. Earlier still, 'old-timers' will not soon forget the tension of the old 'Soviet Test Matches' in which stalwarts such as Mikhail Tal and Mikhail Botvinnik dueled to the death in 1960, every move of which was broadcast over the radio airwaves, and families from Leningrad to Cedar Rapids, Iowa planned their suppers and dinners around the matches and listened intently with their Philco radio.

However, as with everything else, much has changed, and even the great Garry Kasparov now spends most of his time denouncing (probably heroically and correctly) President Putin, rather than slicing up unfortunate opponents with his famous Queens Gambit Declined. There are a few bright spots on the chess horizon however, one of which is a bright up and coming star from the hills of eastern Kentucky, of all places. Jimmy Ray Hayley (pictured above, at left) is a raw, untamed chess player which some have compared to the great Fischer in his prime. While not sharing Fischer's schizophrenia or virulent anti-Semitism, Hayley has displayed an unfortunate weakness for Falstaff beer, and eating obscene quantites of pork brisket and hoop cheese. Hayley also has a marked tendency to engage in needless 'trash talk' after he smashes his opponent, often through a clearly marked 'Scholars Mate'.

Hayley has won his divisions easily, and hopes to travel to Moscow this fall in order to 'throw down the gauntlet' to the great Kasparov, possibly for a best 3 out of 4 match set. Check your local ESPN listings for the possible times, because you will kick and claw yourself if you miss it.

Chop Suey Made Purely By Occident.

2008-08-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

The other day while surveying my vast estate, I happened upon and dusted off the old boardgame, "Chop Suey", which was an exhilarating Chinese-American version of the old Parker Brothers classic, "Monopoly." The object of "Chop Suey" was to acquire as many Chop Suey restaurants in San Francisco's famous 'Chinatown,' while crushing all competition. Instead of a racecar, Scottie dog, thimble, tophat and cane, the tokens employed by 'Chop Suey' consisted of a rickshaw, Shi Tzu, fortune cookie, pair of black horned rimmed glasses, and expertly tailored Hong Kong suit, among other things.

There were, of course, slight differences in the games: 'Chop Suey' had no real "jail" in the middle, nor was there any $$$ given for passing 'Go.' Also, the cheapest properties usually consisted of some sort of laundry or dry cleaner, with the 'Boardwalk' being Mr. Chow's Chop Suey on Kearny Street. And to be sure, playing 'Chop Suey' meant involvement with much more corruption than its better known counterpart, including gambling in the back of many of the 'chop suey house' properties, and many a game often unfortunately ended in a fistfight, due to the intensity and passion generated by the quest for control of Chinatown.

The game, 'Chop Suey', has now been out of circulation for some years now, and of course, good old fashioned chop suey houses are basically a thing of the past. But when it comes to hard nosed Darwinian capitalism, Oriental style, there was no better game and no more appropriate way to spend a Saturday.

"Here's to yer health, 'Chop Suey!"

Francis Schaeffer Test

2008-07-31T18:24:00.000-07:00

Here's another one of those tests I ran across on the world wide web---take it and record your scores!

Are you Francis Schaeffer? Take this quick test to find out!

1. When you are invited to someone's home and see a nice tea set with cups arranged on the table, you would most likely say:

A. Oh, what a nice tea set.

B. My grandmother had a set like that.

C. Give me some tea!

D. Smash the phonograph!

"C" is the correct answer. If you answered "D" you may also be Francis Schaeffer in a different "plane of being."

2. Your house is most likely:

A. Ranch style.

B. English tudor.

C. Swiss chalet with an "upper storey" and a "lower storey."

D. One with no frames whatsoever.

Once again, "C" is the proper answer. Of course, if you answered "D" you may be Mondrian.

3. Your idea of a great vacation is:

A. Hiking in the Grand Canyon.

B. Diving and snorkeling off the coast of Hawaii.

C. Going on a Mediterranean cruise with an atheist and asking him if his wife is "really there."

D. Playing golf with Billy Graham and Wayne Alderson.

Finally, "C" is the correct response. If you answered "D", you may well be R.C. Sproul.

That's all! Editor's note: there were only 3 questions because any more would constitute a "final experience".

Additional editor's note: The above may be fairly incomprehensible to those unfamiliar with the writings of the late Dr. Schaeffer, who was seriously one of the greatest Christian apologists of the 20th Century.

Top 20 List of Phobias

2008-07-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

For what it's worth, here is the official list of the top 20 phobias reported to be suffered by Americans as listed in Zagat's Science Digest:

1. Acrophobia- Fear of Height
2. Adreiaphobia- Fear of Width
3. Claustrophobia- Fear of Closed Spaces
4. Ocarophobia- Fear of Open Spaces
5. Egrephobia- Fear of Slightly Ajar Spaces
6. Agoraphobia- Fear of the Marketplace
7. Gastragophobia- Fear of the Winn-Dixie*
8. Arachnophobia- Fear of Spiders
9. Rooseveltophobia- Fear of Fear Itself
10. Mortaphobia- Fear of Death
11. Vocabiphobia- Fear of Public Speaking
12. Mortavocabiphobia- Fear of Giving the Eulogy
13. Aerophobia- Fear of Flying
14. Aeroflotiphobia- Fear of Crashing
15. Bellaphobia- Fear of War
16. Pacephobia- Fear of Peace
17. Tolstoyiphobia- Fear of War and Peace
18. Xenophobia- Fear of Foreigners
19. Classicrockophobia- Fear of Foreigner
20. Compulsophobia- Fear of Not Completing a "Top 20" List

*-listed as Fear of the Safeway in states outside of the Southern U.S.

I realize that there may be much disagreement with this list, some of it vehement, but email your complaints to Zagats and not to me.

"I used to know a dyslexic with delusions of grandeur who went around telling everyone that he was Leon Pano."-Anon.

Solving the Energy Crunch

2008-07-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

Although gasoline prices have sort of stabilized a bit in the past week or so, the cost of filling one's tank is still putting a huge dent in the wallet. I agree with the view that gives credence to both consumptive conservation, both individual and corporate, as well as additional drilling for oil in and around our great country with its vast resources, much of which is of yet untapped. It's obvious that we cannot continue to rely upon the crumbs which OPEC tosses to us.

Current technological approaches to the solution through hybrid fuel vehicles, various types of hybrid fuels (sugarcane probably better than corn, etc.) and improved combustion engines which get many more miles to the gallon than is usual in most vehicles, are encouraging though. I share Reagan's optimism as to the caliber of our American brainpower (as given through God's grace of course)

Let's just hope the fuel situation does not approach levels of wartime Britian when even members of the professional class in affluent Whitehall in London were forced to find alternative means of transportation for commute to their places of employment.

Welcome to my Weblog.

2008-07-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

I created this weblog purely by accident, but I've always enjoyed commenting on others' blogs so I'll try my hand at my own. I hope to post some interesting things here from time to time, while also trying to figure out how to technically maintain this weblog and refrain from embarrassing myself. I'll also probably change the font and other things from time to time because I haven't yet figured out how to actually edit a post without deleting it in its entirety.