To The Finland Station.....And Back Again.

How to Succeed in the 21st Century (Without Even Trying!)

Hey there, watch your mouth! Here is a short summary of the things one should do (or not do) to be truly successful in the 21st century. Ready? Here it goes: It's all about taking control and manning up, lawyering up, and stepping up to the plate in order to keep from getting thrown under the bus. In addition, you should also parse through the current narrative on your plate to avoid some serious major wardrobe malfunction. Try not to kick the can down the road while you're at it, and OMG if you Laugh Out Loud at the World Trade Federation which everyone seems to be talking about these days. Also, to get face time, you should be fierce, crazy sexy smart and cool, not to mention intentional, fully relational, fully engaged, and totally willing to come along side and show the love. Of course, you should also feel the love and double down on making it happen. But it will help if you also try to make a difference. Transition, position, and use grow as an active verb. If you eat your peas and take the lead, you'll rock like the rockstar you are! That would be major, big-time smoking hot. That will also be the best. thing. ever. It will also be a complete game changer. Of course, if there's a smackdown and you get dissed with your pants on the ground, then don't crash and burn even if it's gone viral, because there's an app for that, and also because it's all good. It's like that, it's all that, and if you've made 'wrong choices' and engaged in 'inappropriate behavior', then just chill and be. Because at the end of the day, you know what? IT IS WHAT IT IS. If this has inspired you, then please feel free to post this to as many people as you like. (or to as many people as you don't like)

Who's On First Principles of Effective Cross Examination?

This Summer's Coming Attractions.

The Paronomasia Review, Film Board of Ironies and Hollywood Insider have just come out with a list of the best movies due for release for the summer of 2012. Here is a quick rundown of some of the better ones:

1. "The Trayvon Martin Story"- a quickly made and released tribute to the late, great American Martyr who gave his life for his faith & country. It is expected to have its' worldwide premier in several select theatres on Chicago's southside, and more particularly, Congressman Bobby Rush's electoral district. Leni Riefenstahl, Jr. and Oliver Stone co-directed this heart-warmer. The first 100 customers will receive a free hooded sweatshirt, box of Skittles, and complementary can of RaceBait bug spray.

Interesting sidenote! At the last minute, Bob Dylan decided not to provide the soundtrack for the movie, ala 'Hurricane', and in typical Dylan style, reportedly said that he may even go back to his original birth name.

2. "The Pickish Games"- in the very near future, one boy and one girl from different towns decide to volunteer for a pleasant game of 4 hand contract bridge with Omar Sharif and Charles Goren. A love triangle and diamond compete with grand slams in this extremely mild thriller.

The theatres took a chance with the movie adaptation from the worldwide success of the popular teen book series which originally ran on page 25 next to the crossword puzzle and the Jumble of most newspapers.

3. "Not In My Neighborhood!"- the award winning documentary on racism and housing discrimination makes its' way to the big screen. This one proves to be a BLOCKBUSTER.

As a spontaneous promotional by Lancome, the first 50 ladies at each showing will receive a free case of REDLINER.

4. "This Is Your Life" and "Hell's Bells"- a double feature based on the popular evangelistic tracts of the 1970's and 80's. Instead of Ralph Edwards or Angus Young, these pictures feature Kirk Cameron starring in the lead role in both. Family Focus productions have heavily marketed the movies, mostly in truck stops and on the pavement of sidewalks. Be warned, though; these movies are definitely CHICK FLICKS.

HAW HAW HAW!

5. "I Feel the Earth Move"- a GROUNDBREAKING film chronicling the life and times of singer-songwriter Carole King. Ms. King is expected to play herself although a stand-in is on stand-by to stand out and cover her ecstatic lines and original compositions.

The old Heidegger is the new Heidegger!- F. Schaeffer

6. "A Largo in the Key of Sea"- those crazy Coen brothers team up again for a 'remake' of the famous 1948 film noir classic, "Key Largo". This one ought to be called "A Fargo in the Key of Sea" since it stars William H. Macy, Frances McDormand and Steve Buscemi and involves a man who has his wife kidnapped and then tries to get her back. You also should know that U2 will provide songs from the soundtrack: "You" and "UBet", Frances McDormand will provide the "You betcha", and Groucho Marx will provide the quiz show.

You betcha life!

7. Speaking of Key Largo, the beautiful Lauren Bacall (actually now an octogenarian)is host of a new documentary movie of her life with Humphrey Bogart and some of the other Hollywood stars. The film, "Humphrey & Lauren" is predictable but features some interesting trivia: for example, Bogie played regular golf with the urbane Jack Paar, Irish actor Birdy Sweeney and Eagle Eye Cody, who always took at least one mulligan.

Henny Youngman reportedly took his mulligans everywhere but they always found their way back home.

8. Speaking of Avatar, the original book was far, far better than the movie, and Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" was a far, far, better thing than either.

More? More? You ask for More? Alright then, 2 more.

9. John Grisham & Kathryn Stockett's tag-team blockbuster, "The The" is still expected to be in the theatres this summer and will reportedly run as a stand alone double feature with a 2 for 1 admission price.

If you've seen this one once, you've seen it twice!

10. Speaking of "The The", Yes did the soundtrack along with the Who and Them.

Rumors of an Abbott & Costello remake are unfounded and I don't know who or what started it.

Richard Collin's Greatest Hits

Legendary New Orleans restaurant reviewer Richard Collin, who died back in January, 2010, is justly known in some quarters as the "Paul Finebaum of Restaurant Critics". His masterpiece is the 1973 revised edition of his reviews of many of the Crescent City's finest (and not so finest) dining establishments. The book, "The New Orleans Underground Gourmet" has since become a classic. Here are a few of the more memorable negative reviews.

1. Bourbon-Orleans Ramada: Maurice's, 717 Orleans St.
The beef stroganoff tastes as if it came out of a can; the menu is pretentious and expensive and the kitchen inept.

2. Napoleon Restaurant, 1519 Veterans Blvd., Metairie
What a melange! The menu is pseudo-French with parenthetical notes after specialties saying "Try me." The enormous sign outside the restaurant would be
more suitable to a drive-in movie. At first the food was promising here, but
the kitchen is inconsistent and the management lacks taste. On a recent visit
a special treat was the addition of canned fruit cocktail served in the
wineglass with the St.-Emilion ordered for dinner. More fruit cocktail later
turned up on a main-dish plate of gray tough veal. Astonishing!

3. Sheraton-Charles Hotel Dining Room, 211 St. Charles Ave.
The Sheraton does not pretend that its dining room is anything but a
convenience place for hotel guests. Be happy you don't have to taste the
dish that came in second to the "prizewinning" chicken with the mystery goop.

4. Raoul's Restaurant, 4801 Veterans Blvd., Metairie
Raoul's serves consistently terrible food which ranges from stale to inedible
and at times, in an occasional flash of brilliance, mediocre.

5. Augie's Italian Kitchen and Rabito's Poor Boy Restaurant and Bar,
612 St. Charles Ave.
The poor eat poorly. This terrible restaurant in the skid row area serves
the worst red beans and sausage in town daily.

6. Paul Gross Chicken Coop, 1838 Bienville St.
The food here isn't that bad (it's not particularly good either), but it is
impossible to eat anything in what must be the most foul smelling restaurant
in the city.

7. Steer Inn, 6101 Elysian Fields Ave.
The barbecue served here is a figment of the sign painter's imagination and
the milk shakes are almost as bad.

8. Chan's Restaurant, 907 Decatur St. The food is just about inedible and the surroundings are bleak.

9. Mancuso's, 546 Camp St. The signs here ask the far-from-distinguished clientele not to bring lunch from home and to be kind to the waitresses.

10. Star Restaurant, 409 Baronne St.
Four daily 95-cent lunch specials, all flavorless. Floury beef stew and
watery coffee are part of the repertoire.

11. Varieties Stag Bar and Sandwich Shop, 139 Carondolet St.
It is a brave person who embarks through the sandwich entrance leading to the
back of the adjoining bar. The trip is not worth the trouble. The sandwiches
are dispensed from a stand on paper plates with an ice cream scoop of salad.

12. Ben's Pizza, 1443 Commercial Dr., Arabi
Ben is the king of prefab pizza, turning out more of the horrible little things
than anyone else in town with a whole bank of minature heating ovens. Is it
better to eat these pizzas quickly before they become unglued or to let them
cool, put them aside, and pick up a hamburger on the way home?

13. Pete's Spaghetti House, 900 Jefferson Hwy., Jefferson Parish
A strong contender for the worst-food-in-New Orleans award. Steak in a garlic
butter sauce (raw chopped garlic and butter) and spaghetti imprisoned under a heavy red sauce are equally atrocious.

14. Richard's Restaurant, 3944 Chef Menteur Hwy. All of the food has as much character as the watery Northern coffee this
24-hour restaurant advertises so proudly.

15. Carlos Restaurant, 2600 4th St., Harvey
Slices of packaged white bread, margarine, cans of condensed milk on the
table, and a luncheon special that is sold out by 1 P.M. are examples of why
not every restaurant in New Orleans that looks bad is good.

And the piece de resistance:

16. Chateau Le Moyne: The Charles, 303 Dauphine St. Some of the food was promising, but too much was indifferent, and the
restaurant's Keystone Kops waiters, the amateurism in the kitchen, and the
service reached a peak recently when the waiter set himself and the apple pie
flambe (!) on fire.

They sure don't review 'em like that anymore.

Random Comments on the News

1. It was reported that songwriter Jerry Leiber died on Monday, August 22. Leiber, one-half of the famous pop songwriting duo of "Leiber & (Mike) Stoller", was the composer of "Hound Dog", "Under the Boardwalk", "Stand by Me" and many, many other popular songs from the 50's all the way to the '80s. The funeral is scheduled for Friday, Aug. 26 and the service will be exactly three minutes long.

2. The old economics rule that bad money drives out good money is known as "Gresham's Law". The corresponding rule in literature that bad fiction drives out good fiction is known as "Grisham's Law." Just kidding of course! I just read "The Testament" and it was every bit as good as everyone said it was.

3. Speaking of the downfall of Qaddafi, I remember the late great Lewis Grizzard making fun of the Libyan dictator's name, "Moammar", on one of his tapes. Grizzard said that the name was Arabic for "sand in my underdrawers." Grizzard also maligned the perceived need (then, in 1986) for enlistment of NATO support for our attack on Qaddafi's compound by stating that "nobody cared what France thought and as for Spain, well Spain may have been tough back in the 1500's but nowadays, Spain couldn't even beat Vanderbilt!"

Ed. note: the definitive guide to U.S./Middle Eastern foreign policy is Lewis Grizzard's "Rules of Engagement", published in the early 1990's.

4. CAN (formerly CNN Headline News) is now officially known as the "Casey Anthony Network". It will not be included in the basic tier of Comcast cable as of October 1.

5. I remember Louis L'Amour saying in his autobiography, "Education of a Wandering Man", that Ernest Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises" was overrated (in his opinion) and basically about (paraphrasing) "a lot of people doing nothing and going nowhere." I read about half of "The Sun Also Rises" several years ago and never finished it. I'd have to concur with L'Amour on this one, although many of Hemingway's other works are very good.

6. Speaking of Hemingway, I wonder what he would have thought about his beautiful granddaughter being mixed up with a B grade film such as this:

Margaux Hemingway is also pictured at the head of this posting, of course. Both grandfather and granddaughter committed suicide tragically. The British historian Paul Johnson has a fascinating portrait of Ernest H. in his "Intellectuals" where he labels the chapter on Hemingway as "The Deep Waters of Ernest Hemingway" and comments at the end that "art is not enough."

7. Although many people are criticizing Pres. Obama for taking a vacation on Martha's Vineyard right now, I don't begrudge him for this even though I certainly disagree with all of his policies. Many former presidents needed a well-deserved rest. Remember Nixon fishing off of the Florida Keys with his good friend Bebe Redozo, Truman driving cross-country and getting into fistfights along the way, Taft's three day benders at O'Rourke's Saloon in south D.C., and Garfield's frequent trips to Six Flags over Cuyahoga.

8. Speaking of the poor state of the economy, the 2011 edition of "Best Jobs, Worst Jobs" is out and once again, the best job is still "Executive Wine and Food Tester" for Gourmet magazine. The worst job (also once again) is "Barehanded Cesspool Dredger". I think I'll take my chances at the local job fair.

9. The screenplay taken from Jackson, Miss. native Kathryn Stockett's bestselling book "The Help" has scored very well at the box office and is being deemed already as the "feel-good movie of the year." Yeah right....feel-good....that is, if you're not a Native American. You see, Native Americans such as Choctaws, Cherokees, Navajo, were left out in the cold in this movie, and that's why they are not 'feeling good'......

10. Speaking of "The Help", Kathryn Stockett and John Grisham are planning to team up to write a new blockbuster novel about a woman coming of age in Mississippi in the1960's at a quaint little law firm in Jackson who has to battle racism and a nasty defense firm from Memphis. It is tentatively called "The The." The 1980's new wave UK group The The will also do the soundtrack.

Th..tha...the..the....that's all folks!

My Name Is Vivan Miholo and I Covet Your Vote!

This has got to be one of the sorriest political ads I've ever seen:

My name is Vivan Miholo and I covet your vote in the upcoming 2011 Primary. I am a Washington "outsider" and have no ulterior motive for securement of political power, etc.. I feel that the only way back to the greatness of this country is to move forward! Here are my principals (sic):

1. The Constitution must be protected at all costs. I carry a copy in my pocket.
2. Free Trade is chimera. Keep U.S. jobs in U.S.!
3. I will not make my opponents age or inexperience an issue in this campaign.
4. The Federal Reserve is obsolete and in need of serious overhauling measures.
5. There should be a Purge of certain parties and interests.
6.

Publishers' note: Mr. Miholo paid for this ad and it has been reproduced in toto and accordance with prevailing law. This newspaper does not and will not endorse any candidate for public office.