And now for a quick little change-of-pace, here's a few questions in which the humble reader of this blog can vote for his (or her) favorite 'literary occasion' as regarding a multiplicity of scenes, quotes, scenarios, etc. and involving multiple authors, dead and/or alive....etc... Simply choose A, B, C or D. (Like the infamous 'Francis Schaeffer' Test-see blog archives). There are no "right" or "wrong" answers, only stupid and inane ones.
1. Which is your favorite food scene in a John Grisham novel?
A. The scene from "Playing for Pizza" where Rex Dockery is wined and dined by his new Italian teammate football players, and partakes of veal parmiagiano, antipasto with fresh anchovies, olives and prosciutto, along with fine Po Valley red wine.
B. The scene from "The Partner" where old Clovis Goodman is taken by Patrick Lanigan to the catfish house and eats one piece of greasy fried catfish after another with his nose just inches over the plate. He never looks up for the check and also is taken to empty out his bladder several times afterwards.
C. The scene from "A Painted House" where big nasty Hank Spruill, while gobbling prodigious quantities of food, has his cheeks stuffed with cornbread, and ignores everybody else while the protagonist's family is introduced to the Spruill family.
D. The scene from "The Summons" where Harry Rex Vonner, the fat small town attorney eats his breakfast of fried eggs, sausage, grits, hash browns, coffee, bacon and cigarettes. (Trick question: this occurs more than once.)
2. Which is your favorite recreational activity as described in C.S. Lewis' immortal "The Screwtape Letters"?
A. Bawdy and blasphemy over coffee with urbane friends.
B. Enjoying cocoa and county cricket.
C. Entering into the state called "Anger" (or the state called "Lust"-pick either!)
D. Trickling into the wrong bed in automatic response to sexy advertisements because you have nothing else to do. (Trick question: This one is from "Screwtape Proposes a Toast")
3. What is your favorite disgusting world record (from the "Guinness Book of World Records")?
A. That Indian guy who never cut his fingernails and as a consequence, let them grow to about 2 feet long.
B. That other Indian guy who never trimmed his mustache and as a consequence, let it grow out to about 20 feet long (the picture in the 1976 edition shows 2 other people holding the tips of it.)
C. The Iowa farmer, Charles Osborne, who contracted hiccups while slaughtering a hog, and had them for about 50 years.
D. The Greek dude who reportedly stole the recipe for fire from the gods and as a consequence, was tied to the top of a mountain where giant birds ate out his liver on a quotidian basis.
4. What is your favorite Harry Golden "Only in America" nostalgia story?
A. The description of the old Automat on the corner of East 14th Street and Fourth Avenue in New York where you could buy pork and beans and discuss socialism with the "freethinkers" all of which sure beat going to synagogue. Where are they today? They should all live so long!
B. The description of the old generation immigrant Jewish mothers who gave their daughters-in-law a giant jar of 'schmaltz' (chicken fat) on a weekly basis and encouraged them to use it!
C. The description of the tragic Triangle shirtwaist fire in 1911 which killed 146 immigrant worker girls, and the resulting trial in which the great Max Steuer, defense attorney who should have an eidetic (photographic) memory, expertly deflated one of the girls' testimony by showing that she had memorized her spiel and had left out two words in her 3rd recitation of it (and this on cross-examination of all things!), thereby ensuring an acquittal for Triangle, however nonetheless, many changes ensued which made working conditions much better for all concerned.
D. The description of reducing America's "Age of Anxiety" by substitution for the normal businessman's lunch of a hot dog, cola and BC headache powder, that of "a nice cold gefilte fish with a strong horseradish, followed maybe by a huge bowl of golden chicken soup with matzoh balls made of eggs, and light as a feather." We should all be so fortunate!
5. What is your favorite "Harry Potter" scene?
A. The scene from the first book at Hogwarts school where Harry finishes his first bowl of soup and dares to ask Mr. Dumbledore for some more. Mr. Dumbledore then bellows back at poor Harry: "More?" "More?" "You dare ask for more?"
B. The scene from the second book where Harry's pal Tweedleglum asks him why he hates the South, and Harry cries out: "I don't hate the South! I don't! I don't! I don't! I don't!"
C. The scene from the third book where Harry's good-natured friend, Chet drives up to Hogwarts in his old 'jalopy' and and orders a "malted milk, shaken...not stirred."
(Ed. personal note: Have you ever confused the Hardy Boys and the Young James Bond books? I certainly have!)
D. The scene from the final book where Harry wakes up in his bed with Suzanne Pleshette.
6. What is your favorite William F. Buckley, Jr. quotation from the "Letters to the Editor" column in National Review?
A. The one where he says: "I am hardly self-existing, but it does seem that I am a bit ubiquitous, at least to my liberal critics! Cordially, WFB."
B. The one where he says: "Even if a more perspicuous critic than Jorge Luis Borges were to deflate such an accusation, a more peremptory dismissal could not be conceived by the most rigid Thomist or recondite litterauer! Cordially, WFB."
C. The one where he says: "Perhaps you should consider the purchase of an outrigged skiff complete with mainsail, and enjoy the companionship of a 1932 Grinot Cherbourg....I always find this to constitute the fabulis tedramus non poeces to an otherwise adroit sur la ouevre! Cordially, WFB.
D. The one where he says: "And that's how I made my first million!" (Trick answer: This is actually Percy Ross.)
7. What is your favorite Shirley Maclaine past life account?
A. The one from "Dancing With Myself" where she remembers being Mata Hari.
B. The one from "Dancing as Fast As You Can" where she remembers being Cleopatra.
C. The one from "Dancing in the Light" where she remembers being Thucydides.
D. The one from "Dancing Till I Drop" where she remembers being Gig Young.
8. What is your favorite fictional scene from the New York Times?
A. The story of little Jimmy and his heroin addiction written by Janet Cooke.
B. The indepth reporting of Lee Malvo and John Muhammed, the DC snipers by Jayson Blair.
C. The wonderful accounts of life in the Soviet Union under Uncle Joe Stalin by the great Walter Duranty in the 1930's.
D. All of the other articles.
9. What is your favorite "Bringing Up Father" comic strip?
A. The one where Jiggs sneaks out of the house and goes to Dinty Moores to eat corned beef and cabbage.
B. The one where Jiggs sneaks back into the house at night and gets clocked on the head by Maggie's rolling pin.
C. The one where Jiggs sticks his fingers in his ears in an attempt to block out the sound of Maggie's caterwauling on their grand piano.
D. The one where Maggie holds the football for Jiggs to kick it, and right before he can kick it, she pulls it away and he lands flat on his back.
10. What is your favorite motivational book written by a famous coach?
A. Vince Lombardi's "Winning Isn't Everything-It's the Only Thing!"
B. Nick Saban's "How Good Do You Want To Be? A Champion's Tips On How to Lead and Succeed in Work and Life."
C. Pete Carroll's "Win Forever: Live, Work and Play Like a Champion."
D. Knute Rockne's "How to Win Every Time With the Flying Wedge."
That's all! Cast your votes like they did in the olden days complete with free lemonade and fistfights at the polls.
