Richard Collin's Greatest Hits

Legendary New Orleans restaurant reviewer Richard Collin, who died back in January, 2010, is justly known in some quarters as the "Paul Finebaum of Restaurant Critics". His masterpiece is the 1973 revised edition of his reviews of many of the Crescent City's finest (and not so finest) dining establishments. The book, "The New Orleans Underground Gourmet" has since become a classic. Here are a few of the more memorable negative reviews.

1. Bourbon-Orleans Ramada: Maurice's, 717 Orleans St.
The beef stroganoff tastes as if it came out of a can; the menu is pretentious and expensive and the kitchen inept.

2. Napoleon Restaurant, 1519 Veterans Blvd., Metairie
What a melange! The menu is pseudo-French with parenthetical notes after specialties saying "Try me." The enormous sign outside the restaurant would be
more suitable to a drive-in movie. At first the food was promising here, but
the kitchen is inconsistent and the management lacks taste. On a recent visit
a special treat was the addition of canned fruit cocktail served in the
wineglass with the St.-Emilion ordered for dinner. More fruit cocktail later
turned up on a main-dish plate of gray tough veal. Astonishing!

3. Sheraton-Charles Hotel Dining Room, 211 St. Charles Ave.
The Sheraton does not pretend that its dining room is anything but a
convenience place for hotel guests. Be happy you don't have to taste the
dish that came in second to the "prizewinning" chicken with the mystery goop.

4. Raoul's Restaurant, 4801 Veterans Blvd., Metairie
Raoul's serves consistently terrible food which ranges from stale to inedible
and at times, in an occasional flash of brilliance, mediocre.

5. Augie's Italian Kitchen and Rabito's Poor Boy Restaurant and Bar,
612 St. Charles Ave.
The poor eat poorly. This terrible restaurant in the skid row area serves
the worst red beans and sausage in town daily.

6. Paul Gross Chicken Coop, 1838 Bienville St.
The food here isn't that bad (it's not particularly good either), but it is
impossible to eat anything in what must be the most foul smelling restaurant
in the city.

7. Steer Inn, 6101 Elysian Fields Ave.
The barbecue served here is a figment of the sign painter's imagination and
the milk shakes are almost as bad.

8. Chan's Restaurant, 907 Decatur St. The food is just about inedible and the surroundings are bleak.

9. Mancuso's, 546 Camp St. The signs here ask the far-from-distinguished clientele not to bring lunch from home and to be kind to the waitresses.

10. Star Restaurant, 409 Baronne St.
Four daily 95-cent lunch specials, all flavorless. Floury beef stew and
watery coffee are part of the repertoire.

11. Varieties Stag Bar and Sandwich Shop, 139 Carondolet St.
It is a brave person who embarks through the sandwich entrance leading to the
back of the adjoining bar. The trip is not worth the trouble. The sandwiches
are dispensed from a stand on paper plates with an ice cream scoop of salad.

12. Ben's Pizza, 1443 Commercial Dr., Arabi
Ben is the king of prefab pizza, turning out more of the horrible little things
than anyone else in town with a whole bank of minature heating ovens. Is it
better to eat these pizzas quickly before they become unglued or to let them
cool, put them aside, and pick up a hamburger on the way home?

13. Pete's Spaghetti House, 900 Jefferson Hwy., Jefferson Parish
A strong contender for the worst-food-in-New Orleans award. Steak in a garlic
butter sauce (raw chopped garlic and butter) and spaghetti imprisoned under a heavy red sauce are equally atrocious.

14. Richard's Restaurant, 3944 Chef Menteur Hwy. All of the food has as much character as the watery Northern coffee this
24-hour restaurant advertises so proudly.

15. Carlos Restaurant, 2600 4th St., Harvey
Slices of packaged white bread, margarine, cans of condensed milk on the
table, and a luncheon special that is sold out by 1 P.M. are examples of why
not every restaurant in New Orleans that looks bad is good.

And the piece de resistance:

16. Chateau Le Moyne: The Charles, 303 Dauphine St. Some of the food was promising, but too much was indifferent, and the
restaurant's Keystone Kops waiters, the amateurism in the kitchen, and the
service reached a peak recently when the waiter set himself and the apple pie
flambe (!) on fire.

They sure don't review 'em like that anymore.

Random Comments on the News

1. It was reported that songwriter Jerry Leiber died on Monday, August 22. Leiber, one-half of the famous pop songwriting duo of "Leiber & (Mike) Stoller", was the composer of "Hound Dog", "Under the Boardwalk", "Stand by Me" and many, many other popular songs from the 50's all the way to the '80s. The funeral is scheduled for Friday, Aug. 26 and the service will be exactly three minutes long.

2. The old economics rule that bad money drives out good money is known as "Gresham's Law". The corresponding rule in literature that bad fiction drives out good fiction is known as "Grisham's Law." Just kidding of course! I just read "The Testament" and it was every bit as good as everyone said it was.

3. Speaking of the downfall of Qaddafi, I remember the late great Lewis Grizzard making fun of the Libyan dictator's name, "Moammar", on one of his tapes. Grizzard said that the name was Arabic for "sand in my underdrawers." Grizzard also maligned the perceived need (then, in 1986) for enlistment of NATO support for our attack on Qaddafi's compound by stating that "nobody cared what France thought and as for Spain, well Spain may have been tough back in the 1500's but nowadays, Spain couldn't even beat Vanderbilt!"

Ed. note: the definitive guide to U.S./Middle Eastern foreign policy is Lewis Grizzard's "Rules of Engagement", published in the early 1990's.

4. CAN (formerly CNN Headline News) is now officially known as the "Casey Anthony Network". It will not be included in the basic tier of Comcast cable as of October 1.

5. I remember Louis L'Amour saying in his autobiography, "Education of a Wandering Man", that Ernest Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises" was overrated (in his opinion) and basically about (paraphrasing) "a lot of people doing nothing and going nowhere." I read about half of "The Sun Also Rises" several years ago and never finished it. I'd have to concur with L'Amour on this one, although many of Hemingway's other works are very good.

6. Speaking of Hemingway, I wonder what he would have thought about his beautiful granddaughter being mixed up with a B grade film such as this:

Margaux Hemingway is also pictured at the head of this posting, of course. Both grandfather and granddaughter committed suicide tragically. The British historian Paul Johnson has a fascinating portrait of Ernest H. in his "Intellectuals" where he labels the chapter on Hemingway as "The Deep Waters of Ernest Hemingway" and comments at the end that "art is not enough."

7. Although many people are criticizing Pres. Obama for taking a vacation on Martha's Vineyard right now, I don't begrudge him for this even though I certainly disagree with all of his policies. Many former presidents needed a well-deserved rest. Remember Nixon fishing off of the Florida Keys with his good friend Bebe Redozo, Truman driving cross-country and getting into fistfights along the way, Taft's three day benders at O'Rourke's Saloon in south D.C., and Garfield's frequent trips to Six Flags over Cuyahoga.

8. Speaking of the poor state of the economy, the 2011 edition of "Best Jobs, Worst Jobs" is out and once again, the best job is still "Executive Wine and Food Tester" for Gourmet magazine. The worst job (also once again) is "Barehanded Cesspool Dredger". I think I'll take my chances at the local job fair.

9. The screenplay taken from Jackson, Miss. native Kathryn Stockett's bestselling book "The Help" has scored very well at the box office and is being deemed already as the "feel-good movie of the year." Yeah right....feel-good....that is, if you're not a Native American. You see, Native Americans such as Choctaws, Cherokees, Navajo, were left out in the cold in this movie, and that's why they are not 'feeling good'......

10. Speaking of "The Help", Kathryn Stockett and John Grisham are planning to team up to write a new blockbuster novel about a woman coming of age in Mississippi in the1960's at a quaint little law firm in Jackson who has to battle racism and a nasty defense firm from Memphis. It is tentatively called "The The." The 1980's new wave UK group The The will also do the soundtrack.

Th..tha...the..the....that's all folks!

My Name Is Vivan Miholo and I Covet Your Vote!

This has got to be one of the sorriest political ads I've ever seen:

My name is Vivan Miholo and I covet your vote in the upcoming 2011 Primary. I am a Washington "outsider" and have no ulterior motive for securement of political power, etc.. I feel that the only way back to the greatness of this country is to move forward! Here are my principals (sic):

1. The Constitution must be protected at all costs. I carry a copy in my pocket.
2. Free Trade is chimera. Keep U.S. jobs in U.S.!
3. I will not make my opponents age or inexperience an issue in this campaign.
4. The Federal Reserve is obsolete and in need of serious overhauling measures.
5. There should be a Purge of certain parties and interests.
6.

Publishers' note: Mr. Miholo paid for this ad and it has been reproduced in toto and accordance with prevailing law. This newspaper does not and will not endorse any candidate for public office.

Godchaux Sugar Magnolia

Here are a few more 'random ramblings' aka Thomas Sowell in no particular order and possessing no particular raison d'etre:

1. In C.S. Lewis' "That Hideous Strength", the 3rd volume of his Space Trilogy, he features a character named 'Mr. Wither', one of the leaders of the 'bad guys' (the National Institute of Co-ordinated Experiments). The elderly Wither is portrayed as both quaintly eccentric and menacing. Whilst reading this work, it suddenly hit me that Matt Groening, the creator of the television show, "The Simpsons" may have borrowed the character of "Mr. Withers", Homer's boss, from this same character...............


Scratch that. Homer's boss is actually "Mr. Burns". Lo siento! I did not mean to cause any confusion. Although the cartoon character "Mr. Burns" did come into my mind when I pictured Lewis' Mr. Wither, and it makes sense if you think about it.

2. In the above ramble, I could have easily erased the first part and 'saved face' and no one would have been the wiser, but I am an honest man and believe in giving an honest day's work for an honest day's pay.

3. In Willie Morris' great autobiographical account of growing up in Yazoo City, Mississippi, "North Towards Home", he recounts the time he asked Millard Fillmore, one of the poor country boys from Graball Hill, whether he got any toys for Christmas. According to Morris, Fillmore simply answered: "Nuthin, I didn't get nuthin. I ain't studying no toys for Christmas.'

Morris pulls no punches in describing the poverty and tough life of these particular boys who 'fought long and hard amongst themselves' and played rough tackle football at recess, but who quickly tired after running for long distances since they likely suffered from hookworm and malnutrition.

4. The best and brightest chapter in "North Towards Home" in my opinion, is the one where he recounts his trips to his grandparents' house in Jackson (across from the modern day Jitney Jungle right off of Fortification Street). Morris and his grandfather, 'Percy', would go to the old minor league baseball park and watch the Jackson Senators play. After the game and upon their return to the house, Morris' grandmother would fix them a late night meal of cold shrimp, milk, and greasy and salty potato chips. Percy worked at the old Golden Flake factory, hence the potato chips.

5. Speaking of memories, one of my earliest memories involves seeing the old Godchaux Sugar commercials on television (late '60s and early '70s) with the cartoon train and locomotive huffing down a mountainous and curvy railroad track and the jingle which accompanied it: ("It's the best sugar on the sugar town line. Godchaux Sugar Town line!) I've not seen that commercial in years and can't find it on You Tube. Sometimes I wonder if I dreamed it.

6. Speaking of Louisiana, one of my favorite things to grill or simply to fry in oil on the stove is good old 'boudin' sausage. Boudin is pork sausage mixed with rice and spices in the casing. I put a little bit of Tabasco, Tony Chacherie seasoning, salt and pepper in the oil itself. Then after it is cooked good and brown, I put some of that Tabasco on de sausage there. It is sho nuff good and makes a meal all by itself, chere. I guarantee dat.

7. I realize that I lapsed into faux Cajun towards the end of the last post, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't help myself when talking about something like Boudin. There is a website called "boudinlink.com" which is highly recommended. Look at all the boudin and south Louisiana specialty meats and other things which they have on there. It'll make you mouth water and jump for joy chere, I guarantee....sorry....I did it again. Mea culpa.

8. On a throroughly non-South Louisiana note, I remember as a lad watching the Billy Graham Crusade on TV and then watching an adorable young Scandinavian lady named Evie Tornquist sing:

As seemingly sappy and 'folksy' as some of this 70's style gospel music may have been, it had melody, tune, was well written, and sure beats most of the modern style 'contemporary' stuff sung by groups named Thrashfoot, FloodGate and Keep itRealExtremeZone, none of which contains any variety nor is allowed to use over 2 chords.

Ah, dimpled Evie with thine earrings and scarf, thou shouldst be singing at this hour, the PowerPointPraiseTeam with their headsets and tattoos hath need of thee!

9. Now I didn't mean to lapse into sarcasm on the last post, but it does seem that most of all 'modern music' written since 2000, say, whether pop, rock, dance, country, ChristianContemporary, etc..all sounds like it comes forth from the same faucet and spigot. No more than 2 chords per song. No minor chords allowed, ever.

10. To end on a positive note, and also speaking of 'old school' matters, I think that the upcoming Super Bowl is an 'old school' classic: Pittsburgh Steelers v. Green Bay Packers. The team of the '60s vs. the team of the '70s. Meat and cheese packing plants vs. Steel mills. Lombardi vs. Rooney. Smash mouth vs.... Well, I guess I'd better quit whilst I'm slightly ahead. Over and out.