Random Ramblings

1. Most drivers, when delayed in serious traffic or stranded in a snowstorm, have a series of 'back up' plans to get them through the crisis, i.e. a book on tape (or DVD) by the latest novelist or self-help guru. I have read that some drivers work (or play) on the internet on their IPhones or even play solitaire to pass the time.

I'm a bit different in the sense that whenever I am stranded anywhere, run out of gas, or even am delayed by a mild traffic jam, I simply abandon my vehicle.

2. I enjoyed watching the Winter Olympics although I have never really participated in any of the sports involved. Everyone remembers where they were when they heard Al Michaels intone his famous "Do you believe in miracles?" with 5 seconds to go in the USA hockey team's upset of the USSR in 1980. That phrase worked wonders once, and only once, but it should not be used again, and particularly for 'minor' sporting events and inconsequential plays. For instance, CNBC announcer Paulus Harman throroughly embarrassed himself when he blared it three times during the Slovenia-Slovakia curling match in the preliminary rounds.

3. One of the most dangerous days of traffic in US history occurred a few years ago back on December 28, 2006 two days after the death of former US president Gerald Ford. The reason for the high death rate was that people (justly) showed their respect and paid their appropriate tribute to the late president by driving down the middle of the road in Ford's honor.

4. I've often wondered what the accepted community standard is for how much time should elapse between a person's demise and the discontinuance of the modifier "late" preceding their name. For instance, you would appropriately speak of the "late" Ted Kennedy since he died only last year (2009) but not the "late" John F. Kennedy since it has been 47 years since his assassination. Likewise, it is the "late" Michael Jackson but not the "late" William McKinley.

I do believe that the accepted standard seems to be somewhere between 3 and 5 years, unless I'm wrong and then I'll recant.

5. One of the most exciting books I ever read (many years ago) was Louis L'Amour's "The Sackett Brand" in which the good guy, after much struggle and chase, finally shot and killed the bad guy in the last chapter, near the last page. As a matter of fact in "Comstock Lode" (by L'Amour) the bad guy gets his "comeuppance" in the form of a fatal angry gunning down by the good guy on the very last page of a 400+ page book! Now that's excitement, tension, build-up and climax!

I'd like to write an ultraviolent historically complex western about 1000+ pages long and not have the bad guy get killed until the endnotes in the very back of the book. (or maybe the back cover for that matter) One 'avant garde' French novelist has the main antagonist killed off in the table of contents. One more reason to distrust modern French literature.

6. Did former Chicago Cubs infielder Ernie Banks ever actually say the phrase "Let's play two?" This smacks of an 'urban legend' since it is hard to believe that anybody would ever utter such a series of vocables into the air. It's simply hard to believe that Banks (or anyone else) would have ever said such a thing at any time....ever.

7. One of the great discoveries of all time was when Dr. Jonas Salk discovered the penicillin which had been sitting in the pantry behind the canned goods.

8. These kids today who enjoy their cornbread and biscuits free of vermin don't remember what it was like back in the old days when rats ran at will in the town flour supply. Also to them, the phrase 'rat salad' is a 'gross' absurdity, not a concrete reality to be taken with a grain of not-so-metaphorical salt.

Once again, these are the good old days!

9. My first encounter with Tuesday Weld occurred in "New Frontier", a Donald Fagen song from his great solo album, "The Nightfly". My second encounter with Tuesday Weld was in a vintage 'Ozzie and Harriet' episode in which Miss Weld played the part of a girl who sort of 'toyed' with the younger Nelson boy's affections until she accidentally damaged the fender of the older Nelson boy's car and begged him not to tell her father since she had been driving his car. Younger Nelson got even with Miss Weld by making her lug his heavy books around school and dictate his class notes for him for several weeks.

If the foregoing plot reminds you in any way of an old Lewis Grizzard joke involving a bar patron and a woman of somewhat loose morals, and containing the punch line, "Paint my house", don't blame me. Blame society itself.

10. The great Boston comic Steven Wright was known to have purchased a product marketed as "Instant Water" at the local grocery store but found it well-nigh impossible to properly use said product once purchased, since he confessed a complete mental conundrum as to what substance should be used in successful combination therewith. Mr. Wright had also purchased a package of batteries at a local store and once he opened the batteries having returned to his residence, he found to his chagrin that they were not included in the original packaging!

Mr. Wright has further related his foolish acquisition of a map of these United States which turned out to be, unfortunately, 'actual size.' One mile was equal to one mile on the map scale. Consequently, Wright relates that he was forced to spend the entirety of a summer (4 months total) simply folding the darned thing so it would fit into the glove compartment of his vehicle!