Knowledge is Power

Here is another test involving general knowledge, literature, conceits, deceits, surfeits, surplusage, &c....Once again, A is A, B is B, and....you can guess the rest. The difference here is that four Questions (A-D) will follow each statement and styled and worded in throroughly Modern Jargon. Therefore, if you are a member of 'Generation Y' and graduated from high school after 2000, you will probably do very well at this, indeed. (Postscript: Why is Olympic swimmer Natalie Coughlin pictured above? I have no idea!)
Well anyway, let's get started: (No texting, please!)

1. In GK Chesterton's "Everlasting Man", he adumbrates that 'cave-men' may or may have not actually lived in caves simply because of the drawings of animals, etc. found therein, and by implication, adumbrates that much evolutionary theory and 'anthropology' (this was in the early 20th century, but his adumbrations ring true today obviously) is based upon mere conjecture, unwarranted conclusions and simply false presuppositions which are themselves a product of a rationalistic, materialistic 'closed-system' universe.

Question A: How do you feel about this?
Question B: Does this make you mad? Happy? Glad? Sad?
Question C: Have you ever adumbrated anything? If so, when? Where? With who?
Question D: How did it make you feel to adumbrate?

2. In George Bernard Shaw's "Man and Superman", the character of the devil is quoted as describing John Milton's "Paradise Lost" as "a very long poem which no one has ever read all the way through."

Question A: How do you feel about this?
Question B: Do you like it?
Question C: Have you ever read anything all the way through?
Question D: Does this "float your boat?"

3. In "The Oak and the Calf", the late great Alexander Solzheinitsyn movingly describes his literary career of documenting both in fiction and non-fiction, the totalitarian horror of the early and mid 20th century Soviet Union:

If I had given in to common sense, once, twice, ten times, my achievement as a
writer would have been incomparably smaller. But I had gone on writing-as a
bricklayer, in overcrowded prison huts, in transit jails without so much as a
pencil, when I was dying of cancer, in an exile's hovel after a double teaching
shift. I had let nothing-dangers, hindrances, the need for rest- interrupt
my writing, and only because of that could I say at fifty-five that I how had
no more than twenty years of work to get though, and had put the rest behind
me. My petty interferences-people, children, housework, public demands
(but most of all, my own native undisciplined self)-bump against such
reality. I continue to pound my balled fist against my own soft soul and to
insist, No Excuses! No Excuses!

Question A: How does this make you feel?
Question B: Does this passage "rock your world?"
Question C: Does it make you feel "plugged in?"
Question D: Have you also "been there and done that?"

4. Speaking of Solzhenitysn, one Russian critic stated that his works were "more
dangerous" to the Soviet regime than "those of Pasternak (Boris)", since "Pasternak
was a man divorced from life, while Solzhenitsyn, with his animated, militant,ideological temperament, is a man of principle."

Question A: What's up with this?
Question B: Does this have any relevance to you?
Question C: Does this "turn you on?"
Question D: Have you ever heard of either man?

5. C.S. Lewis was very fond of Edmund Spenser's "The Fairy Queen" (written in the 16th century in England), and he once made the quaint observation that the best introduction one could have to such a work would be to have read it as a teenager between the ages of 12 and 16 in an old heavy illustrated folio edition, and on a
rainy day.

Question A: Does this make any sense to you?
Question B: Is this 'all good'?
Question C: Have you ever heard of Edmund Spenser?
Question D: Have you ever heard of C.S. Lewis?

6. The great philosopher Baruch Spinoza is known for making the observation that all principles of.......

ATTENTION: JULIAN ASSANGE OF WIKILEAKS, INC. HAS APPARENTLY STOLEN THE REST OF THIS TEST INFORMATION, SO THE TEST WILL THEREFORE END AT THIS TIME. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION IN THIS MATTER.




`"It is by the art of studying little things that we attain as much comfort and alleviate as much misery as possible." - Dr. Samuel Johnson

Favorite Literary Scenes: Vote Early and Vote Often!

And now for a quick little change-of-pace, here's a few questions in which the humble reader of this blog can vote for his (or her) favorite 'literary occasion' as regarding a multiplicity of scenes, quotes, scenarios, etc. and involving multiple authors, dead and/or alive....etc... Simply choose A, B, C or D. (Like the infamous 'Francis Schaeffer' Test-see blog archives). There are no "right" or "wrong" answers, only stupid and inane ones.

1. Which is your favorite food scene in a John Grisham novel?

A. The scene from "Playing for Pizza" where Rex Dockery is wined and dined by his new Italian teammate football players, and partakes of veal parmiagiano, antipasto with fresh anchovies, olives and prosciutto, along with fine Po Valley red wine.

B. The scene from "The Partner" where old Clovis Goodman is taken by Patrick Lanigan to the catfish house and eats one piece of greasy fried catfish after another with his nose just inches over the plate. He never looks up for the check and also is taken to empty out his bladder several times afterwards.

C. The scene from "A Painted House" where big nasty Hank Spruill, while gobbling prodigious quantities of food, has his cheeks stuffed with cornbread, and ignores everybody else while the protagonist's family is introduced to the Spruill family.

D. The scene from "The Summons" where Harry Rex Vonner, the fat small town attorney eats his breakfast of fried eggs, sausage, grits, hash browns, coffee, bacon and cigarettes. (Trick question: this occurs more than once.)

2. Which is your favorite recreational activity as described in C.S. Lewis' immortal "The Screwtape Letters"?

A. Bawdy and blasphemy over coffee with urbane friends.

B. Enjoying cocoa and county cricket.

C. Entering into the state called "Anger" (or the state called "Lust"-pick either!)

D. Trickling into the wrong bed in automatic response to sexy advertisements because you have nothing else to do. (Trick question: This one is from "Screwtape Proposes a Toast")

3. What is your favorite disgusting world record (from the "Guinness Book of World Records")?

A. That Indian guy who never cut his fingernails and as a consequence, let them grow to about 2 feet long.

B. That other Indian guy who never trimmed his mustache and as a consequence, let it grow out to about 20 feet long (the picture in the 1976 edition shows 2 other people holding the tips of it.)

C. The Iowa farmer, Charles Osborne, who contracted hiccups while slaughtering a hog, and had them for about 50 years.

D. The Greek dude who reportedly stole the recipe for fire from the gods and as a consequence, was tied to the top of a mountain where giant birds ate out his liver on a quotidian basis.

4. What is your favorite Harry Golden "Only in America" nostalgia story?

A. The description of the old Automat on the corner of East 14th Street and Fourth Avenue in New York where you could buy pork and beans and discuss socialism with the "freethinkers" all of which sure beat going to synagogue. Where are they today? They should all live so long!

B. The description of the old generation immigrant Jewish mothers who gave their daughters-in-law a giant jar of 'schmaltz' (chicken fat) on a weekly basis and encouraged them to use it!

C. The description of the tragic Triangle shirtwaist fire in 1911 which killed 146 immigrant worker girls, and the resulting trial in which the great Max Steuer, defense attorney who should have an eidetic (photographic) memory, expertly deflated one of the girls' testimony by showing that she had memorized her spiel and had left out two words in her 3rd recitation of it (and this on cross-examination of all things!), thereby ensuring an acquittal for Triangle, however nonetheless, many changes ensued which made working conditions much better for all concerned.

D. The description of reducing America's "Age of Anxiety" by substitution for the normal businessman's lunch of a hot dog, cola and BC headache powder, that of "a nice cold gefilte fish with a strong horseradish, followed maybe by a huge bowl of golden chicken soup with matzoh balls made of eggs, and light as a feather." We should all be so fortunate!

5. What is your favorite "Harry Potter" scene?

A. The scene from the first book at Hogwarts school where Harry finishes his first bowl of soup and dares to ask Mr. Dumbledore for some more. Mr. Dumbledore then bellows back at poor Harry: "More?" "More?" "You dare ask for more?"

B. The scene from the second book where Harry's pal Tweedleglum asks him why he hates the South, and Harry cries out: "I don't hate the South! I don't! I don't! I don't! I don't!"

C. The scene from the third book where Harry's good-natured friend, Chet drives up to Hogwarts in his old 'jalopy' and and orders a "malted milk, shaken...not stirred."

(Ed. personal note: Have you ever confused the Hardy Boys and the Young James Bond books? I certainly have!)

D. The scene from the final book where Harry wakes up in his bed with Suzanne Pleshette.

6. What is your favorite William F. Buckley, Jr. quotation from the "Letters to the Editor" column in National Review?

A. The one where he says: "I am hardly self-existing, but it does seem that I am a bit ubiquitous, at least to my liberal critics! Cordially, WFB."

B. The one where he says: "Even if a more perspicuous critic than Jorge Luis Borges were to deflate such an accusation, a more peremptory dismissal could not be conceived by the most rigid Thomist or recondite litterauer! Cordially, WFB."

C. The one where he says: "Perhaps you should consider the purchase of an outrigged skiff complete with mainsail, and enjoy the companionship of a 1932 Grinot Cherbourg....I always find this to constitute the fabulis tedramus non poeces to an otherwise adroit sur la ouevre! Cordially, WFB.

D. The one where he says: "And that's how I made my first million!" (Trick answer: This is actually Percy Ross.)

7. What is your favorite Shirley Maclaine past life account?

A. The one from "Dancing With Myself" where she remembers being Mata Hari.

B. The one from "Dancing as Fast As You Can" where she remembers being Cleopatra.

C. The one from "Dancing in the Light" where she remembers being Thucydides.

D. The one from "Dancing Till I Drop" where she remembers being Gig Young.

8. What is your favorite fictional scene from the New York Times?

A. The story of little Jimmy and his heroin addiction written by Janet Cooke.

B. The indepth reporting of Lee Malvo and John Muhammed, the DC snipers by Jayson Blair.

C. The wonderful accounts of life in the Soviet Union under Uncle Joe Stalin by the great Walter Duranty in the 1930's.

D. All of the other articles.

9. What is your favorite "Bringing Up Father" comic strip?

A. The one where Jiggs sneaks out of the house and goes to Dinty Moores to eat corned beef and cabbage.

B. The one where Jiggs sneaks back into the house at night and gets clocked on the head by Maggie's rolling pin.

C. The one where Jiggs sticks his fingers in his ears in an attempt to block out the sound of Maggie's caterwauling on their grand piano.

D. The one where Maggie holds the football for Jiggs to kick it, and right before he can kick it, she pulls it away and he lands flat on his back.

10. What is your favorite motivational book written by a famous coach?

A. Vince Lombardi's "Winning Isn't Everything-It's the Only Thing!"

B. Nick Saban's "How Good Do You Want To Be? A Champion's Tips On How to Lead and Succeed in Work and Life."

C. Pete Carroll's "Win Forever: Live, Work and Play Like a Champion."

D. Knute Rockne's "How to Win Every Time With the Flying Wedge."

That's all! Cast your votes like they did in the olden days complete with free lemonade and fistfights at the polls.

Random Ramblings Reprise

1. I remember watching the great comic actor Arte Johnson (Laugh-In, etc.) narrate and play all of the main characters in a television production of the book of Esther in the Old Testament. I believe I saw this early on a Sunday morning way back in the mid 1970's. I wonder if anyone remembers this. Johnson played Mordecai, Haman, King Xerxes, and even donned a wig to play Esther herself. One-man shows in which different characters are portrayed by one actor used to be all the rage. Recently I saw Valerie Harper play Golda Meir, both of her parents, her boyfriend (later husband) as well as Ben Gurion in a one man (or rather,'one-woman') show on the Jewish Television network.

This takes some kind of talent.

2. The legendary Will Rogers is known for making the statement that he had "never met a stranger." Of course, this is due to the fact that he suffered from severe agoraphobia which resulted in his never being able to leave his house during his entire adult life.

3. The author Robert Fulghum is famous for his book, "Everything I Need to Know, I Learned In Kindergarten." That was easy for him to say, since Mr. Fulghum, it is widely known now, attended an extremely advanced kindergarten in upstate New York where he learned history, government, science, math, law, accounting, visual art and even typing.

4. I don't believe in Nietzsche's doctrine of eternal recurrence where everything that has ever happened has supposedly happened once before and will happen again, ad infinitum. That is, I don't believe it now. I'll probably believe in it next time.

5. The great James Lileks posted an old cartoon on his site in which a Depression-era hobo knocked at a lady's door, asking if he could do any work for her. The lady rudely said that "there wasn't nothing" he could do for her (sic). Undeterred, the hobo, who was quick on his feet, remarked that there was indeed something he could do for the lady. The very polite hobo kindly told the lady, "Oh yes, there is something I can do for you. I can correct your grammar." This was very true, and at the moment the hobo said this comment, there seem to be a multitude of hobos, vagrants, idlers, and 'hangers-on' all gathered to the far horizon as far as the eye can see, who give a hearty 'hurrah' at this well-placed barb.

Old cartoons ain't what they used to be.

6. Speaking of old cartoons, I once saw an issue of "Bunky" who is basically a baby who comments upon the action from his position in a corner of the strip, much like one of the political cartoons of Pat Oliphant. But the main character revolves around an obscenely wealthy idler named 'Gilhooley' who has a beloved dog named 'John Thomas.' In one strip, Gilhooley decides to invite everyone and anyone named 'John Thomas' to his mansion where he will throw a party in his dog's honor. About 40 or 50 people show up and hear Gilhooley belt out "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" while the real John Thomas snores in a corner. The people enjoy this show while ransacking through his mansion, going in his refrigerator, and pulling the butler's cap down on his eyes. 'Bunky' makes the wry observation from his corner caption that Gilhooley is 'tetched in the haid.' "Bunky" usually ran in the 1930's on the Sunday page above "Barney Google."

7. The phrase "every dog has his day" comes from the old tort law concerning dog bites. At the common law, when a dog bit someone, and the owner was sued, the plaintiff could usually not recover if it was proven to be the dog's 'first bite.' The original phrase was thusly: "Every dog deserves one free bite." This phrase gradually evolved into the phrase "every dog has his day."

8. Speaking of catchphrases, the oft used "wow-oh" is directly traceable to the trend as begun in 2002 of everyone dropping their vowels at the least opportunity. The great Icelandic pop singer and performance artist, Bjork (as pictured) was an expert at this type of lingo.

9. You know you grew up in a squalid, tiny tenement slum if you always admired the expansive and spacious manner in which sardines were arranged in their can.

10. Speaking of growing up the hard way, I've got to go to bed since it's late and the work truck comes by my house at 6 o'clock sharp. I missed it this morning and had to spend the day scrubbing the highway with a toothbrush.

Random Ramblings-The Bootleg Sessions

1. Burger Chef, thou shouldst be living at this hour...Fast-food America has need of thee! She is a fen.

The original Burger Chef commercials of the early to mid 1960's featured an urbane pre-Paper Chase John Houseman who stood stiffly in front of the camera on the verrazano of the headquarters office and intoned in a persuasive manner : "There are quite a number of sound reasons to eat at Burger Chef and very simply, no reason at all not to do so!" Believe me, after that, you got in your 1964 Impala and took the wife and children to the Burger Chef......posthaste!

In 1968, Burger Chef discontinued this commercial because the "times were a changing, etc...so they fired Houseman and brought in Arlo Guthrie and eventually by 1971, the Burger Chef and Jeff cartoon characters.

Burger Chef filed for Chapter 7 in 1982, but what a ride it was! Aquamarine and orange. The Big Cheese and the Captain's Meal.....Burger Chef, we won't forget you.

2. I once heard a speech by a man named Henny Youngman at a gathering once. It was truly disturbing. He started his speech by holding his wife as an example for some illustration he was trying to make, and then he respectfully offered her physically to the audience. He then said that he took his wife many different places, presumably to get rid of her, but she always returned to their house. Mr. Youngman also told of a friend of his who was given a terminal diagnosis of 6 months concerning some terrible illness by his doctor, and if this wasn't enough, he told his physician that he was financially strapped and could not compensate him. Mr. Youngman relates that his friend's doctor then 'adjusted' his diagnosis of terminality to a full year.

3. It is a truth universally acknowledged that the greatest of all Jane Austen novels is "Mansfield Park" and the greatest film adaptation of said novel is the recent PBS production with the irrepressible Billie Piper as Fanny Price (as shown). When watching Piper play Fanny Price, the viewer feels as if he or she is watching Fanny Price actually come to life. In this vein of "uncanny resemblances", the only performances comparable to this one in the world of film adaptations is John Goodman's legendary role of the equally legendary Babe Ruth in "The Babe" (1992) and Muhammad Ali's playing of himself in "When We Were Kings" (1996).

4. In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell invented the first telephone. Things really didn't get rolling until 3 years later when the 2nd one was invented.

5. Speaking of inventions, sliced bread was invented in 1450 and the concept of a "time-frame" was invented in 1918. Before 1450, every entity or idea stood alone with no "frame of reference." (By the way, "frames of reference" were invented by Dr. Thomas Howell in 1750.)

6. The Rash Linebaugh show (for poorer markets which can't afford Rush Limbaugh) runs daily from 1-3 on AM radio in those areas, and is a very poor substitute. Mr. Linebaugh's "show" consists of veiled threats and canned slogans shouted without restraint. I don't care for the show and would rather listen to music instead.

7. President Obama speaks to the American people every single day at noon on whatever topic happens to be the 'subject of the day.' This is too much exposure and indicative of too much government in our everyday life. My idea of the perfect president would hearken back to the Gilded Age of the post-Civil War 19th century when presidents were rarely seen and even more rarely, heard. The "Absentee Landlord" model of the presidency is the best, in my opinion.

8. Most states allow for 'holographic wills' and a few allow '3-D wills'. Outright holograms are frowned upon although allowed in 10 or more states. I've read that 2 states (California and Idaho, I believe) now incorporate Pixar animation for last wills and testaments.

9. Anagrams Now Are Good Reading And Make Sense.

10. The Socratic method as used by law professors should include real hemlock.

Nostradamus Predictions

Here are a few very timely Nostradamus predictions (from "All Things Nostradamus", LSU Press, 1997). Judge for yerself whether the old Frenchman hits it out of the park or whiffs it big-time. Remember, these were all made in the 16th century!

1. Concerning the BP Oil Spill:

And in the 'Greate Gulf'
There came an force and blast
Spilling ye carbons into the sea
Ruinin' de shrimp and killin' BP.

(This one is a little atypical of Casa Nostra, since he usually never
rhymed any of them.)

2. Concerning the Helen Thomas Debacle:

And on the white lawn
The ancient hag speakes
Regarding Zion and Canaan's lands, she
Hath stayeth way, way, way overlong.

(Nostradamus speaks for us all; Ms. Thomas shoulda been retired many moons ago.)

3. Concerning the Joran Van Der S***t Situation:

Vain and rotten spoiled
The bad prince slayeth two more fair,
But ending in the Inca house (!)
By hanging, decapitation and the giante corkscrew.

(Well, Nostradamus came from an age where the death penalty still applied pretty much everywhere. We can only hope as much.)

4. Concerning the Recent Perfect Game Spoiled By A Bad Call, But.....

Twenty-sixe rise and twenty-sixe fall
The final one is made safe at starting bease (sic)
With no regard, but the judge weeps, and the aggrieved
Is madeth whole, all's well that enswell.

(Twist of irony: Nostradamus actually coined the word 'enswell' in a
quatrain foreshadowing boxing and more accurately, the third Ali- Frazier "Thriller in Manila" bout in 1975)

5. Concerning the Rise of Sarah Palin:

And from the frozen North land
Comes a maiden fair and noble in deed
Both loved and hated in part
A gadfly to the fair but vile Behar.

(Nostradamus, if he were alive today, besides being well over 400 years old, would probably be non-plussed by Mrs. Behar's obsessive animus towards the Alaska governor)

6. Concerning the Fascinating Rise of the Twitter Phenomenon:

Arises then a world message place
Which standeth for all thoughts
From the minds of ones who state:
"I possesseth a boil here on my arse; prithee thine reaction?"

(Nostradamus came from an age when paper and parchments were costly
and the printed word was not cheap-hence the sarcasm.)

7. Concerning the Superiority in Pulchitrude of the Pre-1970's Actresses to the
Post-1970's Actresses:

In the Berry ('Holly'?-ed.)Wood early time,
Damsels fair and fleshly reign
But giving way to thin gaunt and almost,
Manly sorts to much disdain.

(Of course Nostradamus could not have foreseen the many exceptions to the overall
rule, but it still applies (see Kim Novak (pictured) also Tuesday Weld-last post-irony of ironies!)

8. Concerning the Superiority of the 1980's Celtics-Lakers Rivalries to the Current One:

In the time of Ronalde Gipp (Reagan?-ed)
The Great Bird and Magick strode
On hard floors of woods and pine
Not to be equalled henceforth.

(Nostradamus has another quatrain in which he foresees the abortive comeback of
Michael Jordan, post 1998)

9. Concerning the Nature of "Hannity's America":

So the loquacious Hibernian spoke
And spoke and spoke and spoke
On topics much agreed well, but
To talketh himself into the grounde and mill.

(Well, I sort of agree with old Nostradamus on this one. Sean Hannity makes a lot of sense and I personally agree with most of his conservative positions, but he loses his audience when he runs an issue 'into the grounde and mill' as it were.)

10. Concerning the Rise of the 'Nostradamus Industry':

Things foreseen and things to come
Can apply to any thing or nothing at all,
And old Barnum of P.T.'s fame has said:
'A sucker every sixty seconde is born."

(And with that, I shall be as old Meyer Wolfsheim in 'The Great Gatsby' and say that I will leave the young men to discuss their sports and young women, but as for me, I belong to a different generation, therefore, I bid you all Adieu!)

Random Ramblings

1. Most drivers, when delayed in serious traffic or stranded in a snowstorm, have a series of 'back up' plans to get them through the crisis, i.e. a book on tape (or DVD) by the latest novelist or self-help guru. I have read that some drivers work (or play) on the internet on their IPhones or even play solitaire to pass the time.

I'm a bit different in the sense that whenever I am stranded anywhere, run out of gas, or even am delayed by a mild traffic jam, I simply abandon my vehicle.

2. I enjoyed watching the Winter Olympics although I have never really participated in any of the sports involved. Everyone remembers where they were when they heard Al Michaels intone his famous "Do you believe in miracles?" with 5 seconds to go in the USA hockey team's upset of the USSR in 1980. That phrase worked wonders once, and only once, but it should not be used again, and particularly for 'minor' sporting events and inconsequential plays. For instance, CNBC announcer Paulus Harman throroughly embarrassed himself when he blared it three times during the Slovenia-Slovakia curling match in the preliminary rounds.

3. One of the most dangerous days of traffic in US history occurred a few years ago back on December 28, 2006 two days after the death of former US president Gerald Ford. The reason for the high death rate was that people (justly) showed their respect and paid their appropriate tribute to the late president by driving down the middle of the road in Ford's honor.

4. I've often wondered what the accepted community standard is for how much time should elapse between a person's demise and the discontinuance of the modifier "late" preceding their name. For instance, you would appropriately speak of the "late" Ted Kennedy since he died only last year (2009) but not the "late" John F. Kennedy since it has been 47 years since his assassination. Likewise, it is the "late" Michael Jackson but not the "late" William McKinley.

I do believe that the accepted standard seems to be somewhere between 3 and 5 years, unless I'm wrong and then I'll recant.

5. One of the most exciting books I ever read (many years ago) was Louis L'Amour's "The Sackett Brand" in which the good guy, after much struggle and chase, finally shot and killed the bad guy in the last chapter, near the last page. As a matter of fact in "Comstock Lode" (by L'Amour) the bad guy gets his "comeuppance" in the form of a fatal angry gunning down by the good guy on the very last page of a 400+ page book! Now that's excitement, tension, build-up and climax!

I'd like to write an ultraviolent historically complex western about 1000+ pages long and not have the bad guy get killed until the endnotes in the very back of the book. (or maybe the back cover for that matter) One 'avant garde' French novelist has the main antagonist killed off in the table of contents. One more reason to distrust modern French literature.

6. Did former Chicago Cubs infielder Ernie Banks ever actually say the phrase "Let's play two?" This smacks of an 'urban legend' since it is hard to believe that anybody would ever utter such a series of vocables into the air. It's simply hard to believe that Banks (or anyone else) would have ever said such a thing at any time....ever.

7. One of the great discoveries of all time was when Dr. Jonas Salk discovered the penicillin which had been sitting in the pantry behind the canned goods.

8. These kids today who enjoy their cornbread and biscuits free of vermin don't remember what it was like back in the old days when rats ran at will in the town flour supply. Also to them, the phrase 'rat salad' is a 'gross' absurdity, not a concrete reality to be taken with a grain of not-so-metaphorical salt.

Once again, these are the good old days!

9. My first encounter with Tuesday Weld occurred in "New Frontier", a Donald Fagen song from his great solo album, "The Nightfly". My second encounter with Tuesday Weld was in a vintage 'Ozzie and Harriet' episode in which Miss Weld played the part of a girl who sort of 'toyed' with the younger Nelson boy's affections until she accidentally damaged the fender of the older Nelson boy's car and begged him not to tell her father since she had been driving his car. Younger Nelson got even with Miss Weld by making her lug his heavy books around school and dictate his class notes for him for several weeks.

If the foregoing plot reminds you in any way of an old Lewis Grizzard joke involving a bar patron and a woman of somewhat loose morals, and containing the punch line, "Paint my house", don't blame me. Blame society itself.

10. The great Boston comic Steven Wright was known to have purchased a product marketed as "Instant Water" at the local grocery store but found it well-nigh impossible to properly use said product once purchased, since he confessed a complete mental conundrum as to what substance should be used in successful combination therewith. Mr. Wright had also purchased a package of batteries at a local store and once he opened the batteries having returned to his residence, he found to his chagrin that they were not included in the original packaging!

Mr. Wright has further related his foolish acquisition of a map of these United States which turned out to be, unfortunately, 'actual size.' One mile was equal to one mile on the map scale. Consequently, Wright relates that he was forced to spend the entirety of a summer (4 months total) simply folding the darned thing so it would fit into the glove compartment of his vehicle!

Who Dat?

On the eve-eve of 'Supah Bowl Foity-Foah', I can't resist 'da temptation' to pay a little tribute to de Crescent City and da team dats gonna beat dem Colts. So heah's a little Top 10 list of da best things about New Orleans and about da team dat Archie built.

1. The very best book written on the richness and infinite variety of the New Orleans restaurant scene remains Richard Collin's "The New Orleans Underground Gourmet" published in 1975. Besides justly famous and long standing places such as Brennan's, Antoine's, Galatoire's, etc., Collin reviewed many defunct hole-in-the-walls. Although his description of the Paul Gross Chicken Coop stands out in the original edition as being the "foulest smelling restaurant in the city," Collin returned to this restaurant and gave it a much more favorable review. Mr. Collin died recently (Jan. 19, 2010) at age 78.

2. Although I don't dare to venture a prediction as to the actual score of the game, I do predict one thing: if the Saints win (as I most certainly hope that they do), I predict that there is a 100% certainty that there will be no school, no trash pick-up and no city services at all for Monday, Tuesday and most of Wednesday.

3. Speaking of game predictions, I'm tired of hearing about "Manning vs. Brees". Both are great quarterbacks, but obviously the correct matchup description is Manning vs. the Saints defense and Brees vs. the Colts defense. Manning is probably a better pure passer and very possibly the eventual greatest QB to play once he retires, but the Saints have Reggie Bush, the difference maker (if he can hang onto the football).

4. The Big Easy has certainly made significant progress since Katrina. Speaking of predictions (in general), it seems that Nostradamus made a prediction about Hurricane Katrina over 500 years before it happened. Just listen to this passage from Book VI, Quatrain 22:

"And out of the South a wind
comes up and terrifies upon the
Crescent (!) towne forcing both
Those to the dome and to Morial."

Now, that's just plain eerie, or so I think!

5. But as I said before, New Orleans has (partially) recovered although the ubiquitous beer stands on Bourbon Street which, in the late great 80's, proudly sold large 20 oz. plastic cups of Dixie draft have all but disappeared.

There's always a price to pay for progress.

6. The novelist Walker Percy gave an all too accurate and pithy summary of the problem of New Orleans political corruption when he described it as being performed with both "Catholic gaiety and Protestant industry." Percy also famously described Plaquemines Parish as being like "Neshoba County run by Trujillo".

Hey, we ain't here to talk about Plaquemines Parish! Get back to da main issue, ya fat old andouille!

7. I don't know if there are many more "K & B Drugstores" still surviving, but I remember the presence of the purple and gold signs which provided some measure of reassurance (as well as Bufferin and Bayer) to many a partygoer. I believe that K & B has been replaced by CVS and Walgreens, as everywhere else. Likewise, the days of Falstaff, Jax, and Schlitz, all sold freely by the cup, have been replaced by Abita Springs, as good as it admittedly is.

Again...the progress thing.....

8. As a cruel practical joke, there was a tourist book for New Orleans published a few years ago which praised Mid City, Treme, and the area north of Rampart Street as the 'best places to aimlessly daydream and just take in the sights'.

Scores of out-of-towners followed that innocuous advice and.....paid the ultimate sacrifice. Let us observe a moment of silence for our fallen heroes.

9. It seems sometimes that everyone from New Orleans has got an "Uncle Alphonse" and an "Aunt Louisa", both of whom have listened faithfully to WWL AM 870 for years now and call into the afternoon radio show to complain about the parking at Gov. Nicholls and Barracks down at the riverfront.

10. Finally, a musical tribute to the Crescent City, courtesy of Benny Grunch and the bunch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxNaY0WZ-18

Go Saints, and I'll check dis postin on Monday, over and out.

Still More Random Thoughts.

Here are a list of 10 more 'random thoughts' Sowell-style, none of which can be adequately explained or correctly interpreted: only savored and enjoyed.

1. The old wives' tale, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away", is very true indeed, and has been proven equally true in the aggregate. For example, 4 apples a day seems to keep 3 doctors away, and 250 apples a year will keep at a comfortable distance, 100-150 physicians on an annual basis. And as could be expected, there are currently no medical practitioners to be found anywhere in the apple-producing counties of eastern Washington state.

Ain't that grand?

2. Some people bemoan the ubiquitous telemarketer who seems to call every single evening during suppertime with a solicitation, often in direct violation of the current FCC 'no call lists.' For my money though, I'll take a modern telemarketer any day over the old style door to door salesman who used to show up uninvited every few weeks ringing your door bell at suppertime. If you cracked the door too far, they would inevitably insert the old "shoe on a stick" into the doorspace thereby preventing closure and insuring entry into your house. You would then always end up buying a Fuller brush which you didn't want, and a set of encyclopedias which you didn't need.

Not only that, but they usually ate up all of your supper as well.

I don't know about you, but I'll take these modern 'telemarketers' any old day!

3. Dr. Vivian Miholo is a professor of Zen who lost one of his arms in a tragic sawmill accident back in 1977. He became a traveling orator, giving rousing speeches resulting in standing ovations at sold out Zen conventions. Dr. Miholo will tell all who listens that he has found that he doesn't need two hands anyway.

Applause, Applause!

4. I'll never forget the "Foxfire" wisdom of old Jasper McWhiney. Once, when asked what is the difference between a 'creek', a 'stream', and a 'brook', old Jasper McWhiney answered thusly:

"The difernce (sic) betwixt a crick, stream and brook is whut (sic) I'll tell ye: A crick is a great big ol' stream. A stream is a little bitty ol' crick. A brook ain't no part of nuthin'!"

Friends, it's hard to argue with that!

5. Speaking of old Jasper McWhiney, he always believed (as I do) that one of the most despicable 'prayers' which could be offered was the 'prayer' which went as follows: "Use me, O Lord.....preferably in an advisory capacity." This always sickened old Jasper, and he used to always say, when speaking of this so-called 'prayer': "There ain't no one who'll bust hell wide open as much as these here what say this type of tommy-rot and jes' plain old nonsense."

Again, hard to argue with that.

6. It has been proven time and time again, that the "Golden Rule" applies to all people everywhere with the exception of masochists. The Golden Rule never applies for masochists.

7. I once heard a very funny old Soviet joke which had been circulating since the 1950's. It began with Khrushchev, Boris Pasternak, and an Orthodox patriarch walking into a bar after Stalin's funeral. I don't remember the 'meat' of the joke, but I well remember the punchline: "Hey, that was no Five Year Plan, that was my wife!"

I sure wish I could remember the rest of it.

8. Speaking of comedy, during impromptu speeches, President William McKinley used to warm up his audiences with tasteless ethnic jokes, usually at the expense of people of southern and eastern European extraction, with names such as D'Antonio, Wojoleski, and Czolgosz. Especially names like Czolgosz.

9. Speaking of assassins, legendary Pittsburgh Steeler coach Chuck Noll once accused Oakland Raiders defensive back George Atkinson of being part of a 'criminal element' after old No. 43 knocked out Steeler wide receiver Lynn Swann with a forearm to the head.

Steelers-Raiders. Jack Tatum. Jack Lambert. Mean Joe Greene and Kenny Stabler. Was there ever a better NFL rivalry in the so called 'golden age of the NFL'?

10. Finally, speaking of Japanese restaurants, part of their universal appeal seems to be the aesthetic quality of the food as prepared and the way that it is placed on the plate in perfect harmonious order. A 'feng shui' sense of balance and proportion renders even the most inexpensive dining venture at a Japanese establishment, the most delightful of culinary events for this very reason.

But should you actually order the 'bird's nest' soup?

Well, I'd say go ahead and try it out. You only live twice.